WEEK 18 - 15TH-21ST jULY 2011

Friday 15^th July 11

Tom finishes school early due to Founders Day at school tomorrow morning. Receive text mid morning which says ’Bus departs Salisbury 14.45 and arrives 15.18 Broadchalke. Welcoming committee would be appreciated’. Which is Tomspeak for ‘ Please meet me from the bus’

Amy’s 15^th birthday. Present opening in evening after her return from seeing final Harry Potter, slightly manic and wearing geeky 3D glasses and black zig-zag ‘scar’ on forehead. Pepper further enrages cat by sticking head through cat flap while cat on other side. Think dog is either youthfully enthusiastic or just a bit thick.

 Saturday 16^th July 11

Pepper continues to settle in well but is quite naughty;

- Seems to think it is Ok to sit on sofa. It isn’t.

- Keeps putting paws on kitchen work surface

- Did big poo on patio

- Made large puddle on spare room carpet. Have to face possibility that

1. Carpet will be stained yellow

2. Room will forever smell of dog wee.

Am trying to stay calm as more to life than nice carpets.

Kiki clearly a cat on the edge. Is tense and moody and bites me when I give her a reassuring pat. Also swipes Hector’s nose with paw when he does the same.(Reassures her that is. Hector has not learnt to pat the cat)

Monday 18^th July 11

Progressing towards animal harmony. Cat sniffs new dogs back leg when dog not looking but then retreats under footstool growling menacingly. When Rob and I walk dogs, cat follows us for 100 metres, hiding in hedge when we look round. Who says cats aren’t team players?

While walking, woman in village sees us coming and exclaims’ Another greyhound!’ Rob says rather tersely ‘She’s a lurcher’ but woman takes no notice and says Pepper has Italian greyhound ears.

After dinner children a bit testy. Conversation as follows;

Amy; ‘You act as though I’m stupid’ (Bends down to pick up cat) ‘I’m a lot more intelligent than you’

Tom; ‘Are you talking to the cat?’

Ouch.

Make shopping list for exciting trip to Ikea with Emily tomorrow which consists mainly of vanilla candles to cover smell of dog farts. Find later that Tom has added the following items;

Moose flesh for voodoo

A duck’s spleen

A Whales placenta

The…

Think he got bored at this point and went off to watch The Simpsons with his father.

Tuesday 19^th July 11

Trip to Ikea abandoned. Amy unwell and Emily arrives to tell me one of their oak trees lost a large branch in the night which has taken out electricity and phone lines. Emily furious at long conversation with BT employee who, after Emily had explained everything, offered to do a test to determine where the fault was. Emily told him she knew where the fault was as was standing in garden looking at two ends of broken telephone cable. Incroyable!

Wednesday 20^th July 11

Pepper behaviour less than exemplary;

-          Starts barking at 6am

-          In morning digs big hole in vegetable patch scattering soil over patio

-          Constant farting. Am getting through a lot of scented candles

-          In afternoon as I am mowing, digs hole in back lawn

-          Keeps biting Hector’s ears

-          At dinner, steals a potato from Tom’s plate

Feeling stressed at everything need to do before driving to Yorkshire on Friday morning and wondering whether will actually manage to get 2 teenagers, 2 dogs, a cat, ridiculous amounts of luggage and me in the BMW. Also concerned about dynamics between new dog and cat and how we will cope with all the farting in a confined space. Mother calls and asks whether I would consider stopping in Marlborough on my way North to buy her some fabric for cushions!! No! Am forced to open bottle of wine to calm jangling nerves.

Thursday 21^st July 11

Tom explains to me that if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat’s back ( butter side up) and throw cat/toast into the air a vortex will be created and the cat/toast will be unable to land because cats always land on their feet and buttered toast always lands butter side down.

Am faced with problem of how to contain cat until tomorrow morning when we depart for Yorkshire. Think will have to lock cat flap and get cat to use litter tray. Am worried about this plan for a number of reasons namely whether the cat will remember how to use a litter tray, whether new dog will try to eat contents of litter tray and that by the time we have to catch cat at 6.30am tomorrow and stuff her in her cat box for journey to Yorkshire, she will be very cross.  She will be even crosser when she realises she is under house arrest for the duration of our stay in Yorkshire.

WEEK 17 - 8 - 14th July 2011

Saturday 9^th July 11

Rob and I attend adoption talk at Dogs Trust. They are coming to do a home visit next week. Have been given a set of instructions on how to manage the relationship between Pepper and the cat, which include

1. Keeping Pepper and the cat apart for at least 5 days (easy perhaps when you live in Blenheim Palace. Less easy when you live in a Victorian cottage.)

2. Wipe each creature with a cloth and give the cloth to the other one. Yuk!

3. And most alarmingly, introduce them only when Pepper has been exercised and HAS EATEN A BIG MEAL.

Hmmm.

 Sunday 10^th July 11

Obliged to take Amy and Tom to meet Pepper. We take her and Hector for a walk. Worried will be deemed unsuitable adoptive family as we remove her muzzle once out of site of Dogs Trust building and are spotted by Dogs Trust employee. This is against the rules. Then Pepper does poo in middle of dog walking path and we have no plastic bag. Oops.

Thursday 14^th July 11

Collected Pepper today. Managed to keep her and the cat apart for a few hours by locking cat in Amy’s room but then carried Kiki into kitchen for introduction. Dog clearly frightened of cat. Cat very unpleasant. Arching back, hissing, spitting and at one point emitted terrifying high pitched growl. Poor Pepper.

WEEK 16 - 1st-7th July 2011

Friday 1^st July 11

Pick a strawberry from the garden and cut it in half for Amy and Tom to share. Strawberry tally so far this year;

Howiesons 1

Pigeons 95.

Julia calls and I remember to ask how the party in London went. Apparently Charlie’s suit made quite an impression. Julia says champagne was served all night from 7pm until 1am and nibbles mostly meat based which as vegetarian meant she got completely bat faced (seems to be family trait) and that midnight she had lost the power of speech. Charlie and Tom Leigh (host) tried to assess her level of drunkenness by asking the dates of various battles including Agincourt and Waterloo. Charlie disappointed that she got them all right and concluded she was very drunk but on automatic pilot.

Amy startled in evening to see topless man in neighbours garden and concerned that he might in fact be completely naked but bottom half obscured by fence. Take a peek at topless man who is in fact neighbour gardening on a hot day so in fact neither deranged nor pervert. I say I think naked gardening unlikely in Broad Chalke at best of times but particularly in summer when lots of nettles and brambles and stinging insects.

Rob and parents arrives from Yorkshire. Mum brings the contents of their fridge and Dad brings large rhubarb plant. Very pleased to see them and we all eat curry in kitchen. Mum tells me my hair is looking flat. Think she is turning into Nain (Welsh Grandmother sadly deceased) who routinely told me and Julia that we had put weight on / needed hair cut.

Rob has forgotten to bring home all luggage used to take his stuff up to Catterick which means that when Amy, Tom and I head up there in three weeks time we will have to pack belongings in black bin liners like family of hobos. Hope neighbours won’t see. May have to travel at night.

Saturday 2^nd July 11

Spend day gardening and packing. Rob and I supposed to be going on holiday TOMORROW and still nothing booked. Decide Morocco is too hot (96 degrees). Find good spot in garden for rhubarb. I make lemon drizzle cake which we all wolf except mother who declines a slice. Amy says ‘What, are you a freak?’ To which Mum replies that she is but doesn’t want to be a fat freak. Mum on diet. Says she has spoken to physiotherapist Anna about losing weight. I say that talking to physiotherapist unlikely to prove effective and instead recommend eating less. Feel guilty for being mean.

Make Tom packed breakfast and lunch for Rhinelend trip. Breakfast; Bottle orange juice, grapes, 4 cereal bars. Lunch; Pork pie, 2 rounds of peanut butter sandwiches, packet kettle chips, Muller light yogurt, 2 Mr Kipling cakes, 4 crunchy bars, 2 fingers of fudge, bottle of water and 6 fruit juice cartons. Hope he is planning on sharing otherwise likelihood of

1. Sugar rush
2. Vomiting.
3. Cardiac arrest

Sunday 3^rd July 11

Get up at 4.40am and Dad and I drive Tom to Salisbury to go on school trip to Rhineland. Tom very excited. Get home at 6am and go back to bed.

At 11am Rob and I leave to go on holiday! Hoorah.

Before reach Shaftesbury get call from Amy to ask what should she do if her Ipod freezes.

Stop for picnic in Somerset. Sit in sunshine and read Sunday papers. Rob’s Mother calls. Asks if we are on our way and we say yes. Asks if we are flying to Marrakesh and we say no we are driving to Torquay. She sounds very confused and then we lose signal. Rob and I laugh slightly manically.

Continue on journey and receive another call from Amy to say that her Ipod is OK now.  Tempted to turn phones off.

Arrive in Torquay. 24 degrees. Hotel FABULOUS. Enormous room and bed with balcony and stunning sea view. Go to explore town which is full of foreign tourists, genteel elderly couples and fat men with tattoos walking bull terriers. An eclectic mix.  Spend rest of day swimming in hotel pool, sunbathing, drinking wine and eating fish and chips. Enormous seagulls.

Monday 4^th July 11

Go to dining room for breakfast and feel as though have woken up in nursing home for the elderly. Eat three course breakfast and then play 2 sets of tennis. Rob wins 6-0, 6-1. Feel this doesn’t quite reflect performance and that I am clearly the better player. Head off to Salcombe. Get call from Amy asking where the shed key is as she has to take White Spirit to school. Why? Hopefully not as beverage. 

Salcombe full of public school children, their harassed parents and smart looking dogs. No tattoos or bull terriers. Eat large pasties and try and find somewhere to stay. End up in the Sloop Inn in nearby village. Perfect. Walk over big hill to pub in next door village and receive voice mail from Amy reminding us we have a child at home who we have abandoned to go on holiday. Eat large quantity of pub food. Think may have to return home soon while we still fit in the car.

Tuesday 5^th July 11

Weather cold and potentially wet so go to Plymouth to cinema. See Pirates of the Caribbean and eat lots of chocolate. Plymouth full of Spanish and French school children and Punks.

Thursday 7^th July 11

Back to Wiltshire. Rob and I go to Dogs Trust at Newton Tony to see William the Saluki who is lovely. We also meet 2 lurchers called Professor Winkle Bottom and Pepper. Rob initially prefers Professor but he ( Professor not Rob) keeps scanning the horizon during our walk as though looking for something to chase. We decide to adopt Pepper who seems more interested in us. She will be Tom’s dog.

In evening Tom returns from Rhineland. Spent all money and seems to have had good time. Produces gifts of Lindt chocolate for all. Has learnt one new German word; ‘Geil’ which apparently means ‘sexy’.   Tom very pleased about Pepper. Think main challenges of owning lurcher will be ;

1. To prevent her running after small furries when taken for walks

2. To stop her eating the cat

WEEK 15 - 24-30th June 2011

Friday 24^th June 11

Take children to school and go to Tesco. Am rounding end of aisle near checkouts when front wheel hits temporary cardboard display unit knocking off jar of Ragu which another shopper has dumped there. Glass and tomato everywhere and other shoppers look at me as though I have been very naughty. Say loudly ‘ It wasn’t my jar!’ and go to find customer service assistant who is very understanding. Head to chicken aisle and as am loading two trays of chicken breasts and thighs into trolley another one falls of the shelf and lands on the floor with a loud crack. Try to pick up pack but plastic cover has split and there is chicken everywhere. Another understanding member of staff comes to my aid and I apologise and depart at speed with hands all slimy and smelling of raw chicken. Decide to leave store before trail of destruction gets any longer or Tesco think I am some kind of saboteur.

Arrive home to many messages on answer phone. One from Mum and Dad left at 8.30am to say they are sitting on drive of Rob’s new Army quarter in Catterick( in car, not literally) waiting to meet the welfare officer. The call is to let me know that there is mobile coverage at house. Another message is from man who wants to come this evening to see Alfa Romeo for sale. Very exciting!

Julia calls for chat. She and Charlie are going to London for smart party to which Charlie still intends to wear red stripy suit. To complete the look he has grown a droopy moustache.

Mum and Dad call again to say they are now in the quarter which is great. By end of day they have unpacked everything, plumbed in washing machine, are on first name terms with welfare officer and neighbours and pronounce the guardsmen who lent a hand to be ‘lovely’. Interesting that relentlessly sociable parents have produced

1. Daughter completely rubbish at making small talk (Me)
2. Daughter who says she doesn’t think she really likes other people ( Julia)

Perhaps is reaction. Like Rob as child of rather hippie mother joining Army. Wonder what Amy and Tom will do in order to be different to me and Rob?

At 7pm man arrives to look at Alfa Romeo. I am in bath getting ready to go out so Rob takes them for a spin. They decide to buy car. Marvellous. Big relief. Call ‘Bank of Dad’ to say bridging loan unnecessary.

At 8pm go out for dinner to friends house in village feeling rather boisterous due to successful car sale and proceed to get completely smashed. Not deliberate but due I think to not noticing glass being refilled while deep in conversation. Feel OK until get up from table at end of evening. Rob and I walk home. Is pitch black which makes walking in straight line even more of a challenge.

Saturday 25^th June 11

Wake up feeling DREADFUL. Rob tells children (unkindly I think) that I fell into a hedge on the way home. Untrue. Concern though that talked complete jibber-jabber to neighbours at table which is embarrassing as hadn’t met either of them before and they will think I am either

1.Idiot

2. Pisshead

Not sure which is worse.

Tom has made chocolate cake to sell at market in Bowerchalke village hall. Drive him there and talk to lady in charge who says sadly we cant sell cake as;

1. Tom under 18

2. We haven’t read and signed food hygiene rules.

I tell her I made the cake and that I have a certificate in food hygiene from days when worked for Sainsbury’s. She remains resolute and we make to leave when another woman approaches us and whispers that she would like the cake so we sell it to her outside the village hall for £4. Tom very pleased. Hope cake is Ok.

Many comings and goings for rest of day. Friends come for lunch. Another friend comes for tea. Children depart at various times to catch buses to Salisbury. Tom staying with Hector in Dinton. Amy, Izzy and Emily staying here. High pitched shrieking dies down at about 11.30pm after repeated requests and R and I finally get to sleep.

Sunday 26^th June 11

Girls reveal in morning that they have shaved part of Emily’s hair about her left ear!!! Looks very punky and aggressive. Depart to take Izzy home and collect Tom who plays ‘plastic dog turd’ prank by claiming dog has pooed in boot of car. Momentarily believe him as Hector getting a bit old and doddery. Return home. Rob says Emily’s mum NOT PLEASED with Emily’s new look. Feel slightly responsible as has happened under our roof.

After lunch take Rob to station to catch train to Yorkshire as starts new job in Catterick tomorrow. Cry all way home. 

In afternoon dog is sick on Persian rug ( of course). Think has been eating eggshells and scraps of raw pastry from compost heap. Bizarre behaviour as am sure if proffered these items in house would look at us as if we were mad and refuse to touch them. Presumably something illicit about finding edible things at end of garden. Think in future will have to bury food scraps under grass cuttings.

Later notice cat sitting in flower bed chewing one of plants. Why? Tell cat off but know is pointless. Catty pea brain too small to compute.

Monday 27^th June 11

After school Tom made home made Bounty bar with coconut won at village duck race yesterday. Flakes of coconut and melted chocolate everywhere. Finished product delicious so worth mess I think. 

Tuesday 28^th June 11

Amy and Sassy have ANOTHER D of E meeting from 7 – 9pm at the school. Don’t know what they can possibly be discussing as whole thing now finished.

Tom and I have 2 hours to kill so decide to do a bit of shopping. Start off at Pets at Home on Southampton Road. Admire the Fancy Rats and Dagu’s which are particularly feisty. Two fat chinchillas sitting motionless on a branch in their cage. Tom and I decide that pet Chinchillas are completely pointless as they never do anything exciting, in fact never do anything at all. Conclude that may as well have a stuffed one as would in fact be hard pressed to tell the difference. Next we go to Lidl on the hunt for food we used to eat when living in Germany. Fail in our mission but do buy large quantities of peanut butter, Quince jam and ‘Mister choc’ chocolate spread. Also find tripe flavoured ‘Dog Chub’ dog food but decide Hector wouldn’t like it as is more of a ‘prime cuts’ kind of dog. Next we head to Waitrose and I am persuaded to buy Tom 4 cans of shandy bass on the basis that they are displayed on the soft drinks aisle. Surprised at this as it does contain small quantity of alcohol (admittedly less that 0.5%). Am I irresponsible mother? Get call at 8.10pm from Amy to say meeting has finished early. Quite sorry as was enjoying shopping trip. All eat large quantity of chocolate on way home.

Thursday 30^th June 11

Teachers on strike! Tom’s school closed but Amy’s still open which puts her in VERY BAD MOOD. She protests that going in to school will be complete waste of time as all teachers off, but I insist she goes in as has saxophone lesson already paid for ( £14 for 30 minutes!!!)

Get automated text from Amy at lunchtime which says ‘Help get me out of this miserable hell hole, hugs and kisses Amy’. Play it to friend Emily who is over for lunch and we laugh a lot.

In evening Amy and I go to Zumba. Feeling quite pleased with self despite not having attended for several weeks then Kizzy introduces new routines and all goes tits up (not literally). Am glad was near back of hall.

Dogs Trust ‘Dog of the week’ in Salisbury journal features William the Saluki. Cut out article.

WEEK 14 - 17th-23rd June 2011

Friday 17^th June 11

Meet Tom and three friends in Sainsbury’s car park. Sleepover at our house. Tom finishing off mint Aero and smarties milkshake. Even more revoltingly his friend Sam has just finished Bakewell tart and custard milkshake on top of bag of chips. Yuk! Worry that boys may actually be sick on way home so drive slowly up the Chalke Valley. Prepare huge supper of chicken and chips for boys and Amy and then Rob, Hector and I escape to pub. Debate whether taking dog is wise decision as is doing awful cabbagy farts.

Show Rob article in paper saying that shirts worn by Bee Gees and John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever are apparently back in fashion. Later Rob enters sitting room with shirt unbuttoned to waist and asks us what we think. Fortunately no sign of medallion but still gets unanimous thumbs down.

Saturday 18^th June 11

After breakfast Rob buys car. Alpha Romeo Brera. Hasn’t yet sold old car so we now have 3 cars ( 2 of which look the same to me) and no money.

Get ready for Allison and Stephen’s wedding. Tell Rob we need to leave at 11am but he decides to clean car and is still wandering round the garden in his jeans with bucket and sponge at 10.40. Try to stay calm to avert tension induced migraine. Rob comes in at 10.45 and announces it only takes 10 minutes to drive to Tisbury so we don’t need to leave until 11.30. Aaaaggghhh.

Leave the house at 11am. Just as well, as manage  to find every church in Tisbury except the one where the wedding is taking place.

Lovely wedding service and surprisingly brief despite 5 hymns and Holy Communion and Allison’s suggestion that we might want to bring a book. Torrential showers have everyone dashing back into church during the photos. Rain stops and everyone emerges from church only for rain to start again. Rob and I make a run for the car which Rob has parked against grassy bank. I cannot get into passenger seat and have to hurl myself onto back seat. Manoeuvre made difficult by very tight dress. Worry that large silk hat lent by Julia will become misshapen due to dampness.

Wonderful wedding reception in Bowerchalke village hall, apart from Rob informing me AFTER half hour conversation with friends doing catering that I have red lipstick on both canines ‘which looks quite horrible’ like vampire. Tempted to pour glass of wine over his head.  Afterwards R and I don jeans and boots and walk home across the fields. Takes an hour but at least is sunny and warm. Feel very tired when get home (nothing to do with volume of champagne and wine consumed)and have brief power nap on sofa.

Have supper on laps with Amy and Tom and watch film. Rob clears away plates. Amy leaves room and exclaims loudly that cat has been sick in food bowl to which Rob says ‘ No she hasn’t that’s your mothers lasagne’. Not very nice. 

Wednesday 22^nd June 11

No enquiries about Alfa Romeo for sale. Panic slightly and go to ‘Bank of Dad’ to ask for bridging loan. Request granted!

Amy arrives home in high spirits and announces that Zombie auditions are being held for Brad Pitt’s latest film for which you get paid £130 per day. Refrain from making smart arse comment about typecasting but do point out that as auditions are in Glasgow and that filming takes place during the last week of the school term, I don’t think it’s a goer. Amy says she wishes she had a fun parent. Oh dear.

WEEK 13 - 10-16th June 2011

Friday 10^th June 11

Amy returns from London accompanied by Tom's Godmother who turns round and returns to London with Tom who is spending weekend her eating out and visiting London Aquarium (again the sea life theme!) Amy asks Rob what has happened to his hair.

Saturday 11^th June 11

Get up early and help Amy get ready to depart for final assessed D of E expedition. Sunny day but heavy rain forecast for Sunday. Amy asks if there is anything I can give her to make her go to the loo now to avoid going behind a bush later.

Phone rings at 10. Is Becky, mother of Izzy. She says she has deposited girls at start point and that Amy seemed in particular high spirits, announcing when dropped off ‘ Come on girls, today I am going to teach you to ride a cow’. Wonder aloud what she had for breakfast. An illegal substance? Too many coco pops?

Phone rings at 11am. Is Amy on Marlborough Downs calling to say her group is lost. Feel somewhat anxious.

Sunday 12^th June 11

Wake up at 7am to the sound of rain. Think of Amy and team sleeping in tent and then having to walk 18km.

While having coffee round kitchen table Tom notices slight lump under rug. Pulls back rug to reveal very flat and dead mouse. Am embarrassed as have his Godmother staying and have no idea

1. How mouse got under rug
2. How long it has been there
3. How many times it must have been walked over to become so flat.

Amy returns late afternoon. Soaking wet, cold, tired and tearful. She has passed for Bronze D of E. Am very pleased and a little bit amazed.

Monday 13^th June 11

Tom appears at breakfast and asks ‘Do you remember the time Dad put cornflakes in the teapot because I have just thrown my pyjamas down the loo instead of in the laundry basket’. Fortunately loo had been flushed beforehand. I empathise by revealing I once forgot to take my bra off in the shower.

Tuesday 14^th June 11

Receive jubilant call from my parents who have been tasked with finding various ‘things’ for Rob’s Army quarter in Catterick, to say they have bought second hand Dyson, microwave oven and canteen of bone handled cutlery all for £20. Like a couple of elderly Wombles. Email Rob to pass on the good news.

Tom displeased that we are having ‘ bag of brown’ from the freezer for dinner. Have to admit it doesn’t look great but when cooked turns into delicious beef casserole. Yum. Rob away but make point of telling him this when he calls later. Ha!

Wednesday 15^th June 11

Get another call from the Yorkshire Wombles to say they have bought a freezer from a neighbour for £30 and also have a nearly new washer/dryer which they got for nothing from another neighbour who was about to take it to the tip. Think perhaps they should consider starting ‘rag and bone’ business as clearly talented. They are now on the hunt for a fridge, dishwasher and bicycle.

WEEK 12 - 3rd-9th June 2011

Friday 3^rd June

Very hot day. Went to open air swimming pool to cool off. Unfortunately pool and area around it proved to be micro climate of cold and windiness. Sat down to read and noticed that having changed, Amy had stuffed her bra and pants in my handbag despite having own bag. Exclaimed and made to remove offending articles but told by Amy ‘Don’t touch it.' What a princess. Tom told off by lifeguard for doing back flips into pool. Shivered for an hour and then all went back to friend's garden where still hot and windless.

Sunday 5^th June

Back in Broad Chalke. Woken at 4.40am by noisy cat. Thought perhaps food bowl empty so went downstairs. Food bowl full so have no idea what problem could be as eating is cats only pastime apart from sleeping and killing things. Went back to bed. Woken by dog barking at 6. Wondered what was going on with the animals. Perhaps is full moon. Wonder how things are in Worcester where animals are already mad.

Encourage Amy to pack for her week of work experience with fashion designer in London. All chosen outfits lovely but veto orange skirt as indecently short.

All took Amy to Salisbury station to catch train to Waterloo where being met by Alex. As waiting on platform for departure, mobile rang. Was Amy calling from seat on train. Told her to get off phone as mobiles not allowed in carriage (pointed to poster on window next to her). Asked her to text me every 20 minutes of journey and not to talk to odd looking man sitting across the aisle. Shed a tear as train pulled out. Am clearly turning into my mother. 

While putting away clean laundry in afternoon, notice that Amy’s orange skirt is missing from wardrobe.

Monday 6^th June

Get text from Julia to say that Toby has eaten ENTIRE Simnel cake!

Tom arrived home and showed me latest Art. Studying Henri Matisse and had to make drawings in style of Matisse on subject of freedom. Tom had drawn rocket powered whale and dolphin riding a motorbike, both slightly cartoony. Enquired whether T had received any feedback from teacher. He had and it was not encouraging. Tom’s art has always been a bit ‘off the wall’ and frequently ridiculed by Amy. His favoured subjects have included (in chronological order)

1. Pterodactyls

2. Sharks (usually in the act of eating people or other sea life)

3. Dolphins

4. Bats

He also once did a very good picture of a Perch ( the fish). I think he may be a creative genius, but then I am his mother.

Tuesday 7^th June

Rob working from home and is complete computer hog. Barely have chance to check emails all day.   Take revenge by planting bay tree in his potato patch. So far I don’t think he’s noticed.

Wednesday 8^th June 11

Hair clippers arrive , ordered by Rob on internet. Tom impulsively decides to let me clipper his hair in the kitchen. Both slightly nervous and situation made worse by starting off with wrong attachment. (Number 3 instead of number 4) Take large chunk out of back of hair leaving it too short. Say ‘Oh my God’ and ‘Oh f***’ in alarm. Tom asks me not to say these things as is disconcerting. Final hairdo actually rather successful. Less happy with Rob’s which I feel is result of his long, detailed but confusing instructions. In the end he tries to do it himself and ends up looking like he has mange round his ears. Not a great look for a Commanding Officer or for anyone really. 

Thursday 9^th June 11

Notice in evening that the dog’s ears smell strongly of Rosemary. Ask Rob if he has noticed this. Conclude that dog has been foraging for bird bread in rosemary bush which surrounds bird table. Think if he goes out smelling like that the neighbourhood dogs will beat him up or mistake him for roast leg of lamb and eat him.