WEEK 30 9-15th October 2011

Sunday 9^th October 11

Take dogs for walk round village. Enjoyment slightly marred by having to remove succession of dead frogs from Angus’s mouth. First frog is pancake flat and dried out like piece of beef jerky. Second frog is bloated like frog balloon. Manage to extract it from his jaws before one of his sharp puppy teeth pierces skin thereby preventing explosion of decaying frog slime. Phew!

Monday 10^th October 11

Alarm fails to go off and finally wake up at 7.15am. Amy very grumpy  and declares ‘ I have to shower!’ Tom able and willing to get ready for school in 20 minutes but don’t have energy to persuade Amy that she could do the same if she tried. Drive children to school.

Tuesday 11^th October 11

Tom gets up and dresses without washing. Understand now how he can get ready for school in 20 minutes. Insist he undresses and has a shower which makes him very bad tempered. Is it too much to hope for some kind of balance in children’s washing habits? Currently have;

1. One obsessively hygienic child who becomes neurotic at prospect of not being able to wash hair daily and takes dry shampoo on Duke of Edinburgh Award expeditions
2. One child not inclined to wash as all.

Angus and I walk to the bus stop with the children. Angus smiles doggily and wags his tail all the way there. The children and I agree that if we could read his thoughts they would say ‘Happy, happy, happy I’m so happy’. What a little ray of sunshine he is. Fondness for Angus dims slightly when he does a sloppy impromptu poo on the pavement opposite the bus stop.

Wednesday 12^th October 11

Have long chat with Emily on the phone who tells me that Tom talked nicely to her Mum for several minutes at the bus stop yesterday. Pass on positive feedback to Tom as trying to be good parent dishing out praise and bollockings in equal measure. Tom says ‘ Well, I am a very good child, you should be very pleased.’

Thursday 13^th October 11

Parents staying. Take them to Shaftesbury and again have large cakes in café on Gold Hill followed by visit to Antique shop. My life is turning into Groundhog Day. Tell lady in shop that am looking for smallish button backed chair. She says she has one. Hoorah! Wish the children were with me to help me carry it round town. Ha! Sadly, chair is at her house but she promises to email me a photo.  In café Dad reveals that he doesn’t like the new boyfriend of a friend but can’t put his finger on exactly why, but then says ‘ I don’t like his teeth’ and bares his own teeth to make the point or perhaps just to make sure I know what teeth are? Ask what on earth could be so offensive about someone’s teeth but both parents become vague.

After large cakes, Mum announces ‘ “The time has come”  the Walrus said’, which makes me laugh a lot and which apparently is ‘mother speak’ for ‘I have decided to lose weight by eating sensibly in future’ . Like I haven’t heard this before. Wonder if parents have been smoking weed in the spare room.

Saturday 15^th October 11

In morning help out at BWS Christmas Fair, on cake stall. Yum. Tom plays rugby against Millfield. Fear massacre but actually although defeated, scores much more even (32 – 21) than in previous match against Sherbourne (55 – 5). Tom pleased despite stamped on thigh covered in bruises and stud marks. At bed time he asks if he can have a new gum shield as old one has bits coming off it. Tell him he is supposed to wear it not eat it. Worried about brutishness of rugby and that he will end up with flattened and bent nose like Mike Tindall or even worse with cauliflower ears.  Mustn’t be neurotic mother but would prefer it if he stuck to non contact sports like tennis and tiddlywinks.

WEEK 29 2nd-8th October 2011

Sunday 2^nd October 11

Becky arrives to collect Izzy and Naomi who have been staying over. All three girls elected to sleep in a row in the spare bed. Have very funny conversation about farts with Becky who calls them ‘Trouser coughs’ which I have never heard before but which I plan to share with everyone I know. Becky’s sister has taught her small children that when they ‘break wind’ they must say ‘I beg your pardon Mrs Arden, is there a pig in your garden?’ This is the maddest thing I have ever heard. I laugh hysterically, watched by bemused children.

Notice mid morning that cat has disappeared. Search house but still no cat. It seems she has escaped while wearing her daffodil. This is worrying for a number of reasons

1. Cat has tunnel vision
2. Cat has no spatial awareness and keeps crashing into things. May try and go through narrow space and get stuck
3. Daffodil makes cat nervous and she has been walking round the house backwards since Friday which could prove hazardous when crossing the road or if fact when trying to do anything catlike.

Animal dramas continue after lunch. Have just sat down outside with newspaper when Angus gets stung on paw by wasp and makes loud yowling noise for about 20 minutes. Eventually calms down after cold compress applied to paw and is cuddled for ages.

By 9pm still no cat so Amy and I put notes through doors of all houses on the road. At 11pm cat returns,  Praise the Lord, still wearing daffodil.

Monday 3^rd October 11

Put notes through all doors of houses on road to say cat has returned.

Meet children in Salisbury after school to collect Tom’s new school shoes which have arrived in lovely M and S and to get him a hair cut as is starting to look like Yak, like the cat.

On way home Tom complains at length about the inferior quality of the loo roll at Bishop’s. Conversation develops as follows;

Me; ‘You wouldn’t believe what we had to put up with at school‘

Tom; ‘A sponge on a stick? The height of Yorkshire sophistication.’

Amy; ‘A cheese grater?’

I say neither of these suggestions is correct and Amy’s comment is frankly bizarre and conjures up horrible images of people grating their bums. Anyway, once they have recovered from laughing at their own jokes I tell them we had awful, shiny, non-absorbent grease proof paper. Tom says this is exactly what they have at Bishop’s. Plus ca change.

Tuesday 4^th October 11

Ask Amy for Christmas list and Tom for birthday/Christmas list as plan to be ultra organised and not leave everything until last minute as in previous years.

Feel children are not taking request seriously as Amy’s list includes ‘Gladiator outfit for Kiki complete with solid gold breast plate’ and Tom has written at the bottom of his list ‘ I just want you to know that I love you and have the number of Shady Oaks retirement home’ presumably in case his demands are not met.  Have to ask him to actually translate his list into plain English as it includes items such as;

‘CoD MW3’ , ‘GBR 2011/12’ and ‘Nerf n-Strike Barricade RV-10’   

Try to keep on top of gardening as have mother in law visitation this weekend followed by parental visit on Wednesday. Mow lawn in hot sunshine but can’t get petrol strimmer to start. All shears blunt so end up cutting around shrubs with kitchen scissors and hoping that none of the neighbours see me.

In evening Tom and I watch the final of ‘The Great British Bake off’. We are riveted. Usually hate cookery programmes but this is a revelation. One of the cooks is a bit heavy handed with the ingredients and produces cakes and puddings twice the size of everyone else’s. Her croissant could easily feed a family of four. Tom remembers Amy used to make ENORMOUS things in Food Tech and we reminisce about the gigantic Swiss roll which wouldn’t go in the cake tin.    

Wednesday  5^th October 11

Get letter from youngest God daughter (at boarding school). Tells me she has pet ladybird which she keeps in a box and feeds with Aphids. Think ladybirds chances of long and happy life are low. What does an Aphid look like?

Have lunch in Stockbridge with lovely Army wife friends (one now ex- Army wife. Not due to divorce but due to husband leaving Army). Sit outside as Sarah having hot flush. Discuss whether fact that we have  all become keen gardeners is symptom of middle age. Think hot flush is clearer symptom but don’t say so out loud. Maria tells us she is having dinner with friends ‘Buffy and Winky’ later in the week. I am unable to contain a snort of mirth and reveal ( perhaps rather tactlessly?) that ‘Mr Winky’ is Tom’s name for his willy. Maria says she will never be able to speak to Winky again without this thought passing through her mind. Oops.

When children get home I tell them very funny Winky story. Tom FURIOUS and says he has NEVER referred to his pride and joy as ‘Mr Winky’, that I am the only one to have used this term and that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES am I to say this in my diary. Oops again. 

In evening have supper with local friends in Fovant. Great fun. Drink too much wine. Know this at time because start saying ‘ Fuck’ a lot and go to bed without removing make up.

Thursday 6^th October 11

Wake up with mild hangover and once again curse stupidity at not recognising when to say ‘ No more wine thanks’.

At breakfast I tell children that a few of us at dinner last night have decided to form a Book club and I am organising the first meeting. Amy says ‘God you must have been drunk’. Teenagers can be so charming. 

Before departing for school Tom presents me with supplementary Christmas / Birthday list. This one includes another six varieties of Nerf gun, a fish tank, an inflatable cowboy outfit and a request to be taken paint balling. I suggest he has a rethink.

Friday 7^th October 11

Still have symptoms of hangover – and think I might actually be ill. Want to spend day lying down but instead mow lawn and cook a lot of stuff for weekend. Feel quite crap and recline on sofa briefly between activities.

Saturday 8^th October 11

M –I – l arrives for lunch. Children shatter my self-image as domestic goddess by laughing at my jam tarts and calling them ‘Tards’. Am informed this is hybrid of ‘Tart’ and ‘Retard’. Take Verney to Shaftesbury and have tea in café at top of Gold Hill. All eat large cakes. Verney expresses wish to buy fruit spoons. Try not look at children who are convinced Verney has spoon fetish as have received many as gifts including;  signs of the zodiac spoons , long handled pickle spoons, silver stilton spoon and most recently Welsh love spoon. Children manage to contain mirth. Phew. Buy HUGE gold framed mirror in Antique shop and have to lug it round from shop to shop. Children slightly embarrassed by this and recall last time I was in Shaftesbury I bought a chair and carried that around. Suspect they think this is deliberate attempt to humiliate them. Must think of something really outrageous to buy next time.

WEEK 28 25th Sept-1st October 2011

Sunday 25^th September 11

Amy and I make impulse decision to go and see Jane Eyre at cinema in evening. Tom reluctantly comes too. Film has barely started when Tom stage whispers that he needs to fart. I ignore him. Film brilliant. Amy cries a lot. As we leave Tom announces he spent whole two hours thinking about the curry I had cooked for supper. Think that after fart comment he should lay off curry.  Am kissing children good night much later when Amy manages to get bazooka veruca cream all over my cardigan. Quite an achievement as said cream has been applied to her big toe.

Monday 26^th September 11

Cat has cut tail and lost area of fur. Not sure whether to blame attack by creature unknown (would a cat bite another cats tail?) or whether tail has been trapped somewhere. Anyway, have to ask K-J to come over and help me with first aid as two hands inadequate. Kiki not pleased with attention and develops strength of 10 cats in escape bid. Manage to apply Savlon and dressing but not sure how long it will stay on.

Decide in evening to sit down and watch a bit of TV but don’t know what’s on as Angus has eaten the review section from Saturday’s Telegraph. Sigh. Am forced to channel hop like man.

Tom reveals late in evening that he has lost 1 school shoe. God! Does this happen to other families? When I express dismay he tells me they were getting too small anyway as though that makes it all fine. Words fail me.

Tuesday 27^th September 11

Send Tom to school in best suede loafers and arrange to meet both children in town after school to purchase new shoes for all.

Go with K-J to Fellowship group in village hall. Slight concern that it is a Christian group and I am heathen. K-J assures me the religious bit is minor and mostly a good chance to have coffee and chat. Sounds good. On arrival everyone very friendly but quickly become alarmed at group leaders introduction which includes multiple references to prayer and the holy spirit. This is followed by the singing of 4 religious songs. A small voice in my head starts saying ‘Run away, run away…’ but I feel this would be quite rude. Then the singing is over and coffee starts and I meet lots of lovely people and leave feeling glad I went ( but still firmly heathen).

In town after school Tom reveals he has been ridiculed for wearing ‘posh’ shoes! Never realised boys could be so bitchy. Perhaps is the oestrogen in the water? Shoe shopping rapidly turns into nightmare. How could I have forgotten this? In Russell and Bromley Tom chooses what can only be described as ‘winkle pickers’. Conversation takes place as follows;

Me; ‘No way’

Tom; ‘Why not?’

Me; (In quiet voice so shop assistant won’t hear) ‘Because they are poofy and your father would have a fit’

Amy; (helpfully) ‘All the boys are wearing them’

Request Amy keeps out of things and remain firm. Three shops and 45 minutes later we finally order Tom shoes in M and S and Amy chooses first pair she tries on, also in M and S. Thank you M and S! I vow always to buy your knickers. Actually, not that grateful as am £80 poorer. Feel small pang that this is last school shoes we will have to buy Amy as no uniform in sixth form. Feel LARGE pang of relief.

On way home in car (finally) Amy tells me that Mr Lawrence her Physics teacher thinks she is weird and has split personality because Izzy has revealed to him what she (Amy)had told the German exchange students on the guided tour of the school

‘This is the cupboard where the teachers store the dead bodies’ and ‘When we misbehave the teachers stick our heads to the radiator with Selotape’

Amy breaks off mid way through telling us this and says ‘Yuk, horse sex’ as we pass field outside Bishopstone. Journey taking on surreal quality. Am glad on arriving home to see K-J who invites me round for a glass of wine later. Mr Lawrence has taught Amy for years. Can’t believe it has taken him so long to form this opinion.

Thursday 29^th September 11

Find cat paw prints on washbasin and window sill of en-suite. Lack of ‘tracker skills’ means am unsure whether cat was exiting or entering window. Wonder whether cat is now living on roof? While pondering cat movements, worry that may have tied her bandage too tight thereby cutting off circulation and causing tail eventually to drop off like sheeps. Do farmers still do this to sheep, to avoid them getting daggy bums? Must ask Emily who is experienced shepherd.

Have noticed children becoming increasingly competitive about school. Listen to following conversation at dinner;

Tom; ‘I know much more about maths than you.’

Amy; No you don’t. I know about Quasimodequilibrium.’

Tom; ‘There’s no such thing. Anyway, Quasimodo was a Yeti.’

Think to self that;

1. Amy very poor at bullshit
2. Tom knows nothing about Victor Hugo.

During same meal Tom thoughtfully warns Amy to watch out for the ‘Cardinal capsules’ in the curry. Think he means Cardamoms.

Friday 30^th September 11

Cat confined to house. Have removed dressing from tail and forced cat to wear ‘daffodil’ bought from vets to stop her chewing tail. Cat not happy.

Discover on tidying children’s rooms after departure for school ( yes, I know I should delegate more) that Tom has filled his sock drawer with a huge number of marbles. Why?

Angus has taken up gardening. In course of day I am presented with gifts;

1. Long stem of sweet peas
2. Carrot.

In evening Amy runs through her repertoire of sheep impressions from

1. New born lamb to
2. Elderly ewe.

Actually very realistic. Tom says she should be on ‘Britain’s got talent’. Get telephone call from Rob on the Prairie. First for a week. Hoorah! 

Saturday 1^st October

Wake up tired having been disturbed in night by cat crashing around in her daffodil, banging into things, noisily using litter tray on landing and then crunching way through what sounds like whole bowl of food. Thoughtless creature. Give up on sleep at 7am and wash up from last night when Dominique and Sassy came for dinner.

Take Tom to school for first rugby fixture. Amy comes with us as is meeting friends. Somehow get onto subject of bra size. Tom tells me what the various sizes stand for;

A = Almost boobs

B = Barely there

C = Can’t complain

D = Dang

DD = Double Dang

E = Enormous

F = Fake

G = Get a reduction

H = Help I’ve fallen over.

So not great for Amy and me  then.

Amy says she has committed Facebook faux pas which makes me want to ban Facebook for ever. She mistakenly clicked on a ‘like page’ so that on her wall it said ‘ Amy Howieson likes starting a conga line and leading everyone to her sex dungeon.’ Fortunately she immediately received a message from Alex (Aunt) alerting her to the mistake,  saying ‘That’s it, you’re coming to live with me until you’re 35.’  Am worried that the Howieson household is becoming too liberal. Am I a bad parent?

Week 27 18-24th September 2011

Sunday 18^th September 11

Back to Broad Chalke by lunchtime. Notice immediately that neighbour has cut the hedge AGAIN in our absence. What is his problem? Seethe through lunch and then go next door to have hedge conversation. Neighbour keeps me on doorstep despite fact that it is raining quite hard. I think I make it clear he is NOT to cut the hedge again because it is PRIVATE PROPERTY. Return home to congratulations from children who have been eavesdropping through Tom’s bedroom window. Amy says I should have been more aggressive!  This doesn’t surprise me.

Get call from Rob who is now on the Prairie in Canada. Feel sad to think of him as ‘Little Rob on the Prairie’. Tom says this is ridiculous as he has 1000 men and 50 warriors for company. Fair point.

Monday 19^th September 11

Have to take Amy to school speech day in evening held in Salisbury cathedral. See new headmistress in distance and keep my head down. Think leaving job at school, was a bit like escaping from Azkaban and congratulate self silently on right decision. Service quite dull. Headmistress addresses audience as though we all have abnormally low IQ’s.  Meet Amy afterwards by statue of skinny lady and we leg it back to car. Arrive home to complete chaos. Tom had been asked to keep an eye on Angus and let him out a couple of times but has clearly FAILED to do this. Find Angus in kitchen chewing sofa cushion. Quickly discover sitting room curtain has been pulled down and hooks broken (and eaten!) and large puddle of wee in the middle of Hector’s bed. Am NOT PLEASED and say so quite loudly. Both children make themselves scarce and later find Tom tidying his wardrobe. This doesn’t really compensate but I don’t say so as he is trying to make amends and knows being tidy wins brownie points with ‘neat freak’ and cross mother. 

Tuesday 20^th September 11

Invite hedge cutting neighbour and wife for a drink on Weds evening. Do this in interests of community harmony. Completely goes against natural inclination to

1. Sue him
2. Rip up hedge and erect ugly 10ft fence

Invite friendly neighbours Val and Tim along too to alleviate any awkwardness (and to prevent hedge cutter having a go at me should he be planning this.) Reveal plan to children. Amy thinks is the right thing to do. Tom thinks I am mad. Interesting.

Wednesday 21^st September 11

Am quite nervous in lead up to arrival of hedge cutter but fortunately Tim and Val arrive first. All goes well. Everyone drinks a lot of wine and beer and they don’t leave until 8.45. Poor children haven’t had any supper. Give them lots of praise for not saying ‘ God we’re starving’ until neighbours have left.

Friday 23^rd September 11

Have hair cut in afternoon. Hairdresser goes mad and cuts off FAR TOO MUCH HAIR and I come away looking like Henry V. Not pleased. Why do hairdressers always do this? They are the losers as I will now not need hair cut for much longer than usual. Perhaps own fault for saying ‘cut off an inch’ to someone born in metric age. Note to self ; Give hairdresser instructions in centimetres next time.

week 26 -11-17th September 2011

Monday 12^th September 11

Drive children to bus stop at 7.35 with Angus in boot to try and help him overcome car sickness. Following eminently sensible advice of vet who doesn’t have to clear up industrial quantities of dog sick after every outing. Situation not improving and 2 hour journey to Worcester looming this Friday. Hmmm. Bridget suggests travel sickness bracelet more usually worn by children. Think Angus would chew it unless we can get one big enough to go round his neck.

Spend morning on screamingly boring scale drawings of imaginary bathroom scheme. Can’t muster much enthusiasm for waste pipes. Also difficult to stay focused with Angus leopard crawling behind sofa in kitchen and then getting wedged. Does this repeatedly. Maybe not such a bright gundog as had hoped?

Plan to relax and watch University Challenge in evening but Tom says all the contestants are freaks and that Jeremy Paxman is a bum face. About to protest when I realise he is absolutely right. Turn off TV and read book instead.

Tom very pleased to be selected as flanker for rugby C team at school. Amy sniggers irritatingly every time he says ‘Flanker’ because (according to Tom) of what it rhymes. Good grief. I DON’T remember being like that at 15 but then maybe becoming an old fart has clouded my memory and it was a long time ago. Thank you children for pointing this out.

Amy demonstrates raunchy dance routine from musical Chicago which she learnt in PE. She is vey good at it. Will pole dancing replace costume design as future career of choice? I hope not. Rob would have a fit. 

Tuesday 13^th September 11

Have revised opinion of Angus being thick and think perhaps I am thick one. Walked to bus stop this morning with children taking Hector (to give him respite from ear biting), leaving Angus shut in laundry. On return Angus has disappeared. Mild panic as search spare room, downstairs loo and even large food cupboard. Find him in garden. Am baffled and starting to consider canine teleporting as real possibility until children return home from school and Tom immediately works out that Angus has exited laundry through cat flap. Duh! Hope he has sense to stop using it before becomes too porky.

Wednesday 14^th September 11

Am rudely disturbed in shower at 6.30am by Amy knocking aggressively on door and informing me that shower curtain and entire pole and have fallen on her and that it isn’t her fault. This doesn’t surprise me as nothing ever is.

Thursday 15^th September 11

Tom now ill and off school. God, what a bunch of sickies! Amy doesn’t think he is ill at all and more likely hasn’t done a piece of homework. Uncharitable I think and I tell her not to judge others on personal experience.

Friday 16^th September 11

Tom still ill and off school. Amy tells me I am a sucker for allowing this. I thank her for her input. Drive her to school with Angus in passenger foot well as he has 9am vet appointment. Hoping proximity of fellow passengers may help him overcome car stress. Things don’t bode well when he runs away as we are about to leave house. Think he knows what’s coming. Amy forced to sit cross legged on seat as drooling commences before we have even driven through gate. Amy valiantly battles drool with towel provided but still gets it on tights, shoes and hands. Bleagh.

After school we drive to Worcester. Angus asleep for most of journey. Hoorah! Dogs don’t dribble in their sleep.

Have dinner in kitchen and then sit around chatting and then have big discussion about eyebrows;

Julia to Amy ‘ I like your eyebrows’

Amy to Julia ‘ Thanks. Mum says I look like Frieda Kahlo’

Julia to Amy ‘ Oh my God that’s so mean’.

Momentarily do feel quite mean but point out in self defence that comment was only made to encourage Amy to use new eyebrow pencil more sparingly. Julia complains that her eyebrows seem to be disappearing altogether and she has a quick go of the ‘Frieda Kahlo’ pencil. Heloise enters kitchen and tells her it makes her look like Stollen. All slightly confused by this comment. Unsure of why pencilled eyebrows should make someone look like German Christmas cake. Heloise says she doesn’t mean Stollen she means Stalin which is much worse than the ‘Frieda’ comment on account of Stalin being;

1. A man
2. A dictator
3. Mad

Julia somewhat crestfallen.

Everyone loves the puppy including Zulu who tries to hump him, thereby earning the name ‘paedo-dog’. George actually less keen on puppy as latter keeps trying to lick his face which George doesn’t seem to like. Toby says the puppy has a pointed head and concludes is therefore Welsh or from Evesham. Not very kind to either social group. Puppy does actually have pointed head. Is this normal? Conversation then becomes a bit random as Tom spontaneously reveals that his Headmaster is often referred to as Dr Smallcock because he wears very tight shorts to do cross country running. Lovely. Amy then does ‘Awkward Llama’ which is hard to describe but very funny. Amy muses on what dogs would say if they could speak . She thinks George would say ‘I am abnormally large’.

Saturday 17^th September 11

All pile into Julia’s Pathfinder which gives me the ‘eeby-geebies’ as she cuts along narrow streets at speed, with cars parked on either side. Try not to brake as know this is annoying for driver. Drop Toby at orchestra, Heloise at netball and then head to town where Tom is meeting girlfriend who is quite a bit taller than him. All chat briefly and then wave the lovebirds off. When we meet up later, Tom rather indiscreetly reveals that girlfriend thinks Amy is freakishly small. He does this in front of both girlfriend and Amy! I think a career as a diplomat NOT on the cards for Tom. Amy furious but waits until girlfriend leaves before expressing her displeasure in her own inimitable 'mighty mouse' way. Think ‘Billy big mouth’ should have kept his trap shut.

WEEK 25 - 3rd - 10th September 2011

Sunday 4^th September 11

Rob and I collect Amy and friends from Pugshole festival all looking rather post-Apocalyptic. Apparently music continued until 5am. Rob and I tell her what a good nights sleep we had in our comfortable bed. Get my suede pumps caked in mud and straw. Camping in field very unappealing. Have definitely turned into old fart.  

Monday 5^th September 11

Leave house at 7.45. Drive Rob to train station. Drop Amy and then Tom at schools for first day of term and then drive cat to vet for annual booster. Cat frightened and wide eyed. Situation made worse when man arrives with Staffordshire bull terrier straining on lead. Sad to see normally confident and independent cat diminished by fear and imprisonment in cat basket. Turn it round so she doesn’t have to look at scary dog. Finally get home and release cat into garden. House very quiet. Won’t see Rob until his return from Canada at half term. Eat large quantity of biscuits to cheer myself up.

In evening get call from Val and Tim asking me to join them for dinner this Saturday and asking if I eat pork. Wonder out loud whether they heard ‘Bar Mitzvah’ comment over garden fence at weekend. 

Tuesday 6^th September 11

 Think am in need of makeover for body and wardrobe. Amy accidentally touches my leg in car and says ’ Are you wearing leather trousers? Oh, no it’s just your skin.’ Tom then asks me why I am wearing my scruffy painting T-shirt. I’m not. Am actually wearing what I consider to be one of smarter T-shirts.  So, I am both weather beaten and dowdy.  Great. Unable to stay cross with children for long as;

1. Amy has tonsillitis
2. Tom’s school bag has gone missing from bag rack outside canteen at school. Contains EVERYTHING. Aaaggghhh.

Wednesday 7^th September 11

Still no sign of Tom’s bag. Surely if some idiot had taken wrong bag they would have realised by now?? Phone school in morning and speak to deputy head of lower school. Express frustration and concern about missing bag in fairly forthright manner and ask if she thinks someone has nicked it. She responds in soothing tones she clearly thinks appropriate for calming a dangerous lunatic (me).

Get text from Tom in afternoon to say bag and all contents found – buried under pile of old P.E. kit in corner of Gym changing room. So not stolen?

Friday 9^th September

Feel slightly guilty as take day off from Interior Design course to go to Ikea in Southampton with Emily. Actually this is bonkers as have legitimate professional interest in seeing what Ikea is selling. Pah!  Prevented from going in July due to child sickness (me) and falling Oak tree (Emily). I love Ikea ! We each fill a trolley and visit the café where I eat my own body weight in almond croissants. Trip a big success. Agree must go again before Christmas.

WEEK 24 - 27th August-2nd September 2011

Saturday 27^th August 11

Starting to feel like Autumn already! Rob asks me if I will help him measure up the new dog for a Barbour jacket. Good grief. How come I shop at H and M but the dog gets a Barbour? Go to Bowerchalke village fete on bikes, with Pepper trotting alongside. Overhear Tom telling friends that ‘Pepper used to belong to Gypsies which is why she steals things’. Take him to one side and explain that the reason the dog is a thief is that;

1. She is a dog

2. She is a greedy dog

and that it is not politically correct to suggest otherwise.

Tuesday 30^th August 11

Take Tom to doctors as Rob and I have noticed that he walks with right foot put pointing out like ballet dancer. Female Doctor tells Tom she wants to examine his hip and knee and that he will have to take his jeans off. She then asks him if he is wearing any pants. I try hard not to laugh at outraged expression on Tom’s face. Strange question though. Don’t know many people who don’t wear pants. Especially under jeans. ‘Pants’ theme of day continues when return home and point out to Amy that she is wearing harem pants so low that red, white and blue knickers are showing at the front. She looks down , gives them a tug, brushes something off said pants and says ‘ That wasn’t a weirdly long pubic hair, it was one of Hector’s’. Say that I hadn’t actually noticed weirdly long hair but that I am sure ( and indeed hope) that it was one of Hector’s. They do seem to get everywhere including in the fridge. Yuk. Later am preparing supper when hear Tom squawking loudly in sitting room. Ask Amy, as she passes by, what the matter is with him. She says ‘ Nothing. I just wiped an onion leaf on his face.’. Think it is time the children returned to school.

Wednesday 31^st August 11

Rather sad day as have made family decision to return Pepper to Dogs Trust as behaviour is out of control. Main reason is bullying of Hector who is too old and doddery to cope. Tom particularly affected as she was his dog. In afternoon have tea with friend who tells me about litter of yellow lab puppies in nearby village. Offspring of two gundogs.

On the plus side this means well behaved, intelligent, smallish Labradors. On the downside all puppies pee everywhere and chew the furniture. For many years have ruled out ever having another puppy in much the same way as have ruled out having another baby. Later speak to Rob who is surprisingly keen! (On puppy NOT third child). Phew.

Thursday 1^st September 11

We have new addition to family. 10 week old yellow Labrador puppy as yet unnamed. Very cute. 

Friday 2^nd September 11

Puppy howls all night and appears considerably less cute when I finally give up on sleep at 6.10am. Still no name as Rob wants to be included in discussion so will have to wait until tonight. I like the name Crumpet. Rob favours something Scottish and Tom wants to call him Peanut.

In evening Tom spends much time on computer. On investigation discover he is looking up which universities offer degree courses in medicine and researching the cost of insuring himself for a group 18 Porsche, having seen a desirable model on the internet. Aware that Tom likes to be organised but think this is taking forward planning to new extremes as he is only 13.

Saturday 3^rd September 11

Tom announces at breakfast that he has done an on line quiz to see which Harry Potter character he is most like and the answer was Hermione Granger. He is not pleased. I think quiz is spot on but don’t say so.

Victory for Rob and Scotland as decide to call the puppy Angus. I liked Podge but Rob says it is terribly Sloaney. Like Angus isn’t?

In garden in afternoon Tom EXTREMELY LOUDLY asks me if we can have his Bar Mitzvah at our house. Strange comment considering Tom is a Roman Catholic but probably related to fact that he is currently studying Judaism in R.S.

Amy gets dressed up to go to the Pugshole Festival in Bowerchalke in weirdly patterned leggings, moccasins, feather necklace and enormous feathered earrings. Hector ( boy) who is staying asks her if she is going as a Red Indian. Amy says nothing but gives him a death stare.

WEEK 23 - 20-26th August 2011

Monday 22^nd August 11

Rob on exercise on Salisbury Plain all week. Has important visit on Wednesday from very senior politician. Rob plans to put him in turret of Warrior. I observe that he is quite a tubby chap and I hope he doesn’t get wedged in.  Rob getting fancy new uniform or ‘costume’ as Amy says. Consists of frock coat with lots of frogging, tight black trousers and spurs. Funky!

Tuesday 23^rd August 11

News full of what is happening in Libya. Explain situation in brief to Tom as concerned children don’t take  interest in current affairs or recognise seriousness of events. Tom listens attentively but then asks Amy as she enters room ‘ Have you heard about Colonel Gaddafodil?’ and she replies ‘Do you mean Colonel Gaddaffyduck?’ . I give up. 

Wednesday 24^th August 11

Amy, Tom, Pepper and I drive to Lulworth Cove for day out. We plan to walk to Durdle Door and have a picnic.  Have panic on reaching Durdle Door that dogs will not be allowed on beach in summer months. Look over cliff at beach. Needn’t have worried as lots of families paddling and picnicking with dogs of all shapes and sizes. Think is very British thing to take dogs everywhere.  Walk down steep path to beach, eat our own picnic and then Tom goes off and finds ledge up cliff to read book. Pepper starts snuffling and digging up pebbles and finally finds Tom’s sandwich crusts which he has obviously buried to avoid being told to eat them. Reminds me of lump of cucumber secreted in end of baguette. Quite admire his inventiveness. Amy and I affronted as we are invaded by large group of German students. They practically surround us and are so close that their stuff touches my shoe. Is personal space on beaches a peculiarly British requirement? We glare at them. Momentarily wonder whether I am turning into Victor Meldrew before collecting up stuff and moving to less crowded stretch of beach.

Thursday 25^th August 11

Hector (boy) comes to stay. Don’t think he likes my cooking. Chilli mince not well received. Getting fed up of running round after children so tell Tom to find bedding to make up sofa bed where he and Hector intend to sleep (in order to be well placed to play Call of Duty on PS3 until moment they fall asleep and from moment they wake up.)

Friday 26^th August 11

Tom announces decision to cook fried egg breakfast for himself and Hector. Tetchiness with domestic servitude worsens when I enter kitchen and inhale noxious smell of burnt egg and discover eggy plates on table, eggy pan unwashed and cooker splattered with burnt egg. Seethe silently. Mood not improved when strip sofa bed in study and discover best linen table cloth has been used as bottom sheet by 2 smelly teenage boys. Bleagh. Emily collects Hector at 11am and I then drive Tom 55 miles to Swindon to meet his girlfriend. Am I mad? What on earth had I been smoking/ drinking when I agreed to it? Turn left onto road between Wilton and A303. Immediate sign for road works and traffic lights ahead. Come to stop behind lorry which I think is in queue to get through said road works. Only after about 8 minutes of not moving and queue of patient fellow motorists building up behind me do I edge round lorry and realise that it is in fact parked and that the road ahead is clear. Oops. Very embarrassing. Can feel cheeks burning. Drive off at top speed which is a bit silly as am sure other drivers do not intend to chase and berate me.  At Marlborough Tom asks not unreasonably if we can have some new conditioner as he is concerned to be meeting girlfriend smelling of white nectarine and coral flower. Have several hours to kill in Swindon while Tom spends time with girlfriend. Buy six jumpers in H and M. Eat large cake and read paper in Marks and Spencers. Have run out of things to do when see advert in Body Shop window offering free skin consultations. Woman in shop is very nice and tells me I have lovely skin and don’t look 45. I like her immediately and vow to buy all skin products in Body Shop in future. Rob already back from exercise on Salisbury Plain when Tom and I get home. Looking very manly ( if a bit grubby) in his combats. Very pleased to see him. Take him beer and crisps to have in bath.

WEEK 22 - 12th-19th August 2011

Friday 12^th August 11

Drive over the moors again to the auction at Leyburn with all four children. Toby spots two flocks of sheep on hills facing each other. Speculates that they are rival gangs and that we are about to witness  sheep gang warfare as the two flocks close in on each other. Have never seen a fighting sheep but don’t have time to stay and watch as are late for auction. Amy’s Mulberry handbag goes under the hammer in first five minutes for huge sum and then everyone loses interest. Toby, Tom and Heloise head for the café. Am horrified moments later to see Toby through window at front of auction room to right of auctioneer. He is moonwalking backwards across window. He then ducks back under window and repeats moonwalk. Amy also sees him and stifles laughter. A couple of minutes later we decide to  abandon auction and find the others in the café, each drinking coffee with at least 4 sugars. As sugar rush kicks in they seek out the box of wigs and become quite lairy. Spot member of staff heading our way so  I quickly march children to the car and we head over to Aldbrough.  Amy always telling me indignantly that ‘teenagers are not children’ but I don’t think she is right. 

In afternoon go to Barracks to find Robert and thank Hamish the Adjutant for his support last week during cat incident. Ask him if he knows whet happened afterwards ( planning only to disclose that I was stung by hornet. Not planning to reveal where) Hamish says ‘Oh yes everyone knows, it’s gone round like wildfire’. On way home interrogate Rob about what everyone knows. Apparently everything including bum and hospital. Great. Have forgotten since going native in South Wilts what it is like to live on an Army patch.

Saturday 13^th August 11

Barbeque at friends’ house. Dismayed at evident plan to eat in garden as temperature clearly well below zero. Eventually go inside just before hypothermia takes hold. Relief. Reminisce about Newcastle and dreadful nightclub in ship which used to be moored on river called ‘Tuxedo Princess’. I observe that it was full of wide boys. Clearly not a term Amy has heard before who fires off a volley of questions; ‘What’s a wide boy, how wide were they and did they need special doors?’

Sunday 14^th August 11

We leave Catterick early and drive to Scotland to visit St Andrews and Edinburgh for Tattoo and Fringe. Arrive St Andrews where we have picnic on sea wall, walk about, eat ice cream, take photos of children next to sign for ‘Butts Wynd’ which they inexplicably find hilarious. Realise after about 2 hours that there is not that much to do in St Andrews and decide to head back to Edinburgh. Staying in Redfern Barracks in large family room with beds all in row like dormitory. Take taxi to city centre and meet Rob’s sister Emma and her boyfriend Charlie for a drink in a swanky hotel (children not allowed in pubs) where a glass of wine is £8!! Comment afterwards that Charlie was looking tired and the children say they just think he looks old(I should point out here that in the childrens eyes 'old' equals anyone over 25.) Perhaps aging process is just a case of people looking more and more tired and that if I slept for a week I would look 21 again. Think am unlikely to have chance to test this theory for some years. After dinner in American diner we watch street performers and Amy falls in love with topless Spanish fire juggler called Jose. 

Monday 15^th August 11

Am awoken in dorm by very loud seagull and by sound of baby crying. Think latter may have been bad dream. Catch bus into city, all sitting in front row of top deck. Go first to H and M to buy Tom boxer shorts as he has forgotten to bring any and is wearing a pair of Robs which come down to his knees and bunch up when he pulls his jeans up. Amy desperate to shop, shop, shop but the rest of us can’t work up much enthusiasm. Many shops are frankly weird. Tom comments that he thinks Joules is like Jack Wills but for people with a horse. Think he is right. We haven’t got a horse so we exit quickly. In evening all get dressed up in finery and catch taxi to tattoo where we have seats in the VIP box. Very exciting if slightly disconcerting when spot Japanese tourists taking our photo. Tattoo is AMAZING! Gets extremely cold though and I watch most of it from under 3 tartan blankets thoughtfully supplied. Rest of family clearly hard as nails. At after show drinks party we all quaff champagne and Tom eats own body weight of canapés. Mostly mini beef wellingtons and haggis balls.

Friday 19^th August 11

Drive home to Broad Chalke in convoy. After 150 miles, Turbo on Alfa Romeo fails AGAIN causing Rob to lose concentration and miss turning off M1 onto M69. Finally arrive home to find grass almost knee high and that neighbour has cut our hedge again despite being asked not to. Is wanting a bit of privacy a bad thing? Why does he want to look into our garden? Am already cross when I speak to garage in North East where we bought the Alfa and crossness grows when they suggest WE look up the local Alfa garage and WE arrange to have car looked at. Give annoying man benefit of years of ‘Customer Service’ wisdom accrued as;

1. Customer Service Manager for Sainsbury’s

2. Management trainer specialising in, among other things ‘Customer Service’

3. Customer

Man is clearly an idiot who has never heard of customer service and deserves to be liquidated.

WEEK 21 - 5th-11th August 2011

Friday 5^th August 11

My birthday! Happy 45^th birthday to me. Day starts well with dog walk on moors followed by trip to Barnard Castle where Amy and I cruise antique shops and go to coffee shop where Amy has toffee pecan flapjack plus chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream floater. Return to Catterick and in early afternoon get ready to go and play tennis. Notice that cat nowhere in sight. Search house three times and feeling panic stricken conclude that cat must have escaped when I signed for Interflora birthday flowers on doorstep. Day goes rapidly downhill as follows;

1. While hunting for cat in wood behind garden I crouch down to look under bush and am stung through my jeans on the bum, having literally disturbed a hornets’ nest. Feels as though have been stabbed by giant needle.

2. Phone Rob but get Hamish the Adjutant and explain that there is family crisis and I need to talk to Rob quite urgently. Rob not there and am forced to explain nature of crisis (escapee cat) and am aware Hamish thinks I am completely unhinged. He nevertheless promises to send driver to find Rob. Phone Mum and Dad slightly hysterically and ask them if they will come and help search for cat. They arrive 30 minutes later just as terrified cat is caught by Amy in chest high nettle patch. Amy badly stung and scratched by ungrateful creature.

3. All go back to house and I inspect bum. Swelling resembles third buttock. Apply ice and everyone has a good look. Dad says ‘I haven’t seen your bum for 45 years’. Clearly wasn’t big on nappy changing.

4. As Mum and Dad leave I notice water pouring down rear outside wall of house. Make phone call but maintenance people say they can’t send plumber until next Tuesday despite fact that leak looks and sounds like Niagara Falls.

5. Call Hamish and explain that crisis has passed and please can he pass on the message to Rob.

6. Get call from garage to say repairs to car we have only had for 4 weeks are not covered by warranty and will cost us £1800 to fix.

7. Tom calls from Worcester (where he is on Young Malvern course with cousins) and forgets to wish me Happy Birthday.

8. Mum and Dad arrive again for birthday evening of drink in Richmond followed by takeaway curry. As Dad tries helpfully to turn off stop cock in larder, Pepper gets in and eats my birthday cake.

At this point have sense of humour failure and start to feel sad and sorry for self and then at 11pm after we have all had a few glasses of wine we have to call ambulance as reaction to sting gets worse including awful pain in left arm. Dad collects me and Rob from A and E and we get home at 3.30am. Not exactly the best birthday ever but certainly memorable.

Saturday 6^th August 11

Decide to cancel yesterday’s birthday and re-start celebrations on Sunday when Julia, Charlie, Toby, Heloise and Tom arrive from Worcester.  

Sunday 7^th August 11

Go to car boot sale in Aldbrough which is part of ‘Aldbrough Feast’ which lasts a week and which has been going on for about 700 years. Look for items for the rather bare quarter. Many enquiries about my bum. Think Mum and Dad must have told whole village.

Family arrive from Worcester and we all have lunch at Mum and Dad’s. Tom has acquired girlfriend and is lovesick and moping but also quietly pleased with himself I think.

Friend of Dad’s comes round for coffee. Used to be boss of the boss of the man being unhelpful about our Brera. He promises to have a little chat with all concerned.

Monday 8^th August 11

As Amy, Tom and I walk to the Barracks to play tennis Amy tells us that she had a dream the previous night that featured an angel telling her to wear mascara. The angel then turned into Beyonce who sang a song called ‘You were raised by monsters’. Amy points out that dreams reflect ones thoughts. Really charming and thank her for sharing this with me.

Get call in afternoon from manager of garage which on Friday proposed charging us £1800 for repair to car we have driven 4 times. Man sounds less sure of himself than sales manager I spoke to on Friday. He asks me if I want to make any contribution to the repair bill and I say ‘No’. He agrees garage will foot whole bill. Yes!!

See Dads friend in evening and Rob and I thank him for helping out. He says he has done nothing but I don’t believe him. Think there must be some kind of car dealership mafia and he is the Godfather. Hope there were no horses heads involved.

Tuesday 9^th August 11

In morning Julia and I take children and (my heart sinks slightly) crazy dogs Zulu and George for a walk in Dales to make the most of sunny weather. Sheep everywhere and I am forced to drive carefully. Nevertheless, Amy keeps making ‘Baaaa BANG!’ sound effects. Walk from Langthwaite in Arkengathdale down to Reeth. Amy somehow gets splattered with cow pat and starts being a bit ‘princessy’ like she’s never seen a bit of cow poo before. Point out that last time we did this walk she stepped in a cow pat so things are improving. Scary George kept on lead for duration of walk but Zulu runs around having a lovely time and swimming in Arkle beck. No small children for him to scare although we do attract the attention of a mad eyed sheep dog which follows us half the way. Slightly unnerving. Think lots of sheep dogs are a bit mad. If they don’t have sheep to round up they improvise with whatever is available- people or even cars. After about 90 minutes walking we seem to get a bit lost and I think of Rob and his insistence on Ordnance Survey maps and thorough planning. We have no map and no mobile signal. Thankfully we find our way back to the footpath and then Zulu has to go on the lead as we walk through a field of sheep. Extraordinary how Zulu pulls like train when on lead, even after prolonged exercise. I offer to hold him to give Julia’s arm a break. We head along track between two high walls which is ankle deep in gloopy cow poo and puddles. Zulu gives a sharp pull on the lead and I let go rather than being pulled into the quagmire. Then have to retrieve brown and sludgy lead and hold it until end of walk. Hand covered in cowpat but can’t make a fuss on account of mini lecture to Amy the princess only a few minutes earlier. Yuk.

Back in Aldbrough in the afternoon Rob and I make a last minute decision to enter Pepper in the Dogs Race which always takes place at the end of the children’s sports. Most years things degenerate into chaos as fights break out and dogs run in the wrong direction or refuse to run at all. Very funny. Have misgivings that Pepper will be like Forrest Gump and just keep running. Tom and I take her to the start line and Rob and Toby go to the finish. The dogs are released across the green and Pepper sets off like rocket and is in the lead until half way when she suddenly takes a sharp right turn and races back to Julia, Mum, Amy and Heloise who are sitting on the grass bank, spectating. She stands there quivering. Strong homing instinct. Obviously thinks she is a pigeon. 

Wednesday 10^th August 11

Rush, rush rush. Take children swimming in morning to Richmond. The M-W’s come back for coffee and  we sit chatting in the sitting room. Amy cuddling the cat when suddenly a worm drops out of her bottom (the cats) onto the arm of the sofa. It is still alive and there is much screaming. The M-W’s depart ( hastily?) We all wash our hands and have lunch. Tom changes his mind about having noodles.  After lunch we go to Richmond to buy dog food ( Pepper keeps raiding the sack) and treatment for the wormy bummed cat. Yuk. None available so we head to Tesco and are arriving at 2pm when we get a call from Toby saying that the film all the children want to see is on in Darlington at 2.45. I say we won’t make it in time but the children make puppy dog eyes at me. We rush round Tesco, return home, worm the cat, round up Pepper and lure her into the car boot with a biscuit and head off to Aldbrough, arriving at 2.30. Mum and Julia take the children off and Dad and I get Pepper out of the car to take her for a walk to discover she has done a big poo in the boot. Wonder if my driving scared her? Have to remove rubber boot liner ( thank goodness we have one) and hose it down. Leave Pepper in back garden and drive to Stockton to get Brera. Staff at garage are all crawly bum lick nicey nice. Ha!

Howiesons 1

Dodgy car dealerships 0.

Get home to find dog has escaped from back garden but has been returned by kindly neighbour. I am a bit sick of both animals and poo which seem to be taking over my life. Return to Catterick and am forced to have calming glass of wine again.

Thursday 11^th August 11

Take Amy and Tom to preview of auction at Tennants of Leyburn to be held tomorrow. Greeted by friendly auctioneer who I have seen on TV on ‘Bargain Hunt’. Tom pronounces all boring except framed poster of Ferrari. Amy likes vintage clothing and Mulberry handbag but both are truly happy when they discover large box of assorted wigs which they precede to try on. We leave before we are thrown out.