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Saturday 22 December 2012

WEEK 29 2nd-8th October 2011


Sunday 2nd October 11
Becky arrives to collect Izzy and Naomi who have been staying over. All three girls elected to sleep in a row in the spare bed. Have very funny conversation about farts with Becky who calls them ‘Trouser coughs’ which I have never heard before but which I plan to share with everyone I know. Becky’s sister has taught her small children that when they ‘break wind’ they must say ‘I beg your pardon Mrs Arden, is there a pig in your garden?’ This is the maddest thing I have ever heard. I laugh hysterically, watched by bemused children.
Notice mid morning that cat has disappeared. Search house but still no cat. It seems she has escaped while wearing her daffodil. This is worrying for a number of reasons
  1. Cat has tunnel vision
  2. Cat has no spatial awareness and keeps crashing into things. May try and go through narrow space and get stuck
  3. Daffodil makes cat nervous and she has been walking round the house backwards since Friday which could prove hazardous when crossing the road or if fact when trying to do anything catlike.
Animal dramas continue after lunch. Have just sat down outside with newspaper when Angus gets stung on paw by wasp and makes loud yowling noise for about 20 minutes. Eventually calms down after cold compress applied to paw and is cuddled for ages.
By 9pm still no cat so Amy and I put notes through doors of all houses on the road. At 11pm cat returns,  Praise the Lord, still wearing daffodil.
Monday 3rd October 11
Put notes through all doors of houses on road to say cat has returned.
Meet children in Salisbury after school to collect Tom’s new school shoes which have arrived in lovely M and S and to get him a hair cut as is starting to look like Yak, like the cat.
On way home Tom complains at length about the inferior quality of the loo roll at Bishop’s. Conversation develops as follows;
Me; ‘You wouldn’t believe what we had to put up with at school‘
Tom; ‘A sponge on a stick? The height of Yorkshire sophistication.’
Amy; ‘A cheese grater?’
I say neither of these suggestions is correct and Amy’s comment is frankly bizarre and conjures up horrible images of people grating their bums. Anyway, once they have recovered from laughing at their own jokes I tell them we had awful, shiny, non-absorbent grease proof paper. Tom says this is exactly what they have at Bishop’s. Plus ca change.
Tuesday 4th October 11
Ask Amy for Christmas list and Tom for birthday/Christmas list as plan to be ultra organised and not leave everything until last minute as in previous years.
Feel children are not taking request seriously as Amy’s list includes ‘Gladiator outfit for Kiki complete with solid gold breast plate’ and Tom has written at the bottom of his list ‘ I just want you to know that I love you and have the number of Shady Oaks retirement home’ presumably in case his demands are not met.  Have to ask him to actually translate his list into plain English as it includes items such as;
‘CoD MW3’ , ‘GBR 2011/12’ and ‘Nerf n-Strike Barricade RV-10’   
Try to keep on top of gardening as have mother in law visitation this weekend followed by parental visit on Wednesday. Mow lawn in hot sunshine but can’t get petrol strimmer to start. All shears blunt so end up cutting around shrubs with kitchen scissors and hoping that none of the neighbours see me.
In evening Tom and I watch the final of ‘The Great British Bake off’. We are riveted. Usually hate cookery programmes but this is a revelation. One of the cooks is a bit heavy handed with the ingredients and produces cakes and puddings twice the size of everyone else’s. Her croissant could easily feed a family of four. Tom remembers Amy used to make ENORMOUS things in Food Tech and we reminisce about the gigantic Swiss roll which wouldn’t go in the cake tin.    
Wednesday  5th October 11
Get letter from youngest God daughter (at boarding school). Tells me she has pet ladybird which she keeps in a box and feeds with Aphids. Think ladybirds chances of long and happy life are low. What does an Aphid look like?
Have lunch in Stockbridge with lovely Army wife friends (one now ex- Army wife. Not due to divorce but due to husband leaving Army). Sit outside as Sarah having hot flush. Discuss whether fact that we have  all become keen gardeners is symptom of middle age. Think hot flush is clearer symptom but don’t say so out loud. Maria tells us she is having dinner with friends ‘Buffy and Winky’ later in the week. I am unable to contain a snort of mirth and reveal ( perhaps rather tactlessly?) that ‘Mr Winky’ is Tom’s name for his willy. Maria says she will never be able to speak to Winky again without this thought passing through her mind. Oops.
When children get home I tell them very funny Winky story. Tom FURIOUS and says he has NEVER referred to his pride and joy as ‘Mr Winky’, that I am the only one to have used this term and that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES am I to say this in my diary. Oops again. 
In evening have supper with local friends in Fovant. Great fun. Drink too much wine. Know this at time because start saying ‘ Fuck’ a lot and go to bed without removing make up.
Thursday 6th October 11
Wake up with mild hangover and once again curse stupidity at not recognising when to say ‘ No more wine thanks’.
At breakfast I tell children that a few of us at dinner last night have decided to form a Book club and I am organising the first meeting. Amy says ‘God you must have been drunk’. Teenagers can be so charming. 
Before departing for school Tom presents me with supplementary Christmas / Birthday list. This one includes another six varieties of Nerf gun, a fish tank, an inflatable cowboy outfit and a request to be taken paint balling. I suggest he has a rethink.

Friday 7th October 11
Still have symptoms of hangover – and think I might actually be ill. Want to spend day lying down but instead mow lawn and cook a lot of stuff for weekend. Feel quite crap and recline on sofa briefly between activities.

Saturday 8th October 11
M –I – l arrives for lunch. Children shatter my self-image as domestic goddess by laughing at my jam tarts and calling them ‘Tards’. Am informed this is hybrid of ‘Tart’ and ‘Retard’. Take Verney to Shaftesbury and have tea in cafĂ© at top of Gold Hill. All eat large cakes. Verney expresses wish to buy fruit spoons. Try not look at children who are convinced Verney has spoon fetish as have received many as gifts including;  signs of the zodiac spoons , long handled pickle spoons, silver stilton spoon and most recently Welsh love spoon. Children manage to contain mirth. Phew. Buy HUGE gold framed mirror in Antique shop and have to lug it round from shop to shop. Children slightly embarrassed by this and recall last time I was in Shaftesbury I bought a chair and carried that around. Suspect they think this is deliberate attempt to humiliate them. Must think of something really outrageous to buy next time.

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