Sunday 25th September 11
Amy and I make impulse decision to go and see Jane Eyre at
cinema in evening. Tom reluctantly comes too. Film has barely started when Tom
stage whispers that he needs to fart. I ignore him. Film brilliant. Amy cries a
lot. As we leave Tom announces he spent whole two hours thinking about the
curry I had cooked for supper. Think that after fart comment he should lay off
curry. Am kissing children good night much
later when Amy manages to get bazooka veruca cream all over my cardigan. Quite
an achievement as said cream has been applied to her big toe.
Monday 26th September 11
Cat has cut tail and lost area of fur. Not sure whether to
blame attack by creature unknown (would a cat bite another cats tail?) or
whether tail has been trapped somewhere. Anyway, have to ask K-J to come over
and help me with first aid as two hands inadequate. Kiki not pleased with
attention and develops strength of 10 cats in escape bid. Manage to apply
Savlon and dressing but not sure how long it will stay on.
Decide in evening to sit down and watch a bit of TV but don’t
know what’s on as Angus has eaten the review section from Saturday’s Telegraph.
Sigh. Am forced to channel hop like man.
Tom reveals late in evening that he has lost 1 school shoe.
God! Does this happen to other families? When I express dismay he tells me they
were getting too small anyway as though that makes it all fine. Words fail me.
Tuesday 27th September 11
Send Tom to school in best suede loafers and arrange to meet
both children in town after school to purchase new shoes for all.
Go with K-J to Fellowship group in village hall. Slight
concern that it is a Christian group and I am heathen. K-J assures me the
religious bit is minor and mostly a good chance to have coffee and chat. Sounds
good. On arrival everyone very friendly but quickly become alarmed at group
leaders introduction which includes multiple references to prayer and the holy
spirit. This is followed by the singing of 4 religious songs. A small voice in my head starts saying ‘Run away, run
away…’ but I feel this would be quite rude. Then the singing is over and coffee
starts and I meet lots of lovely people and leave feeling glad I went ( but
still firmly heathen).
In town after school Tom reveals he has been ridiculed for
wearing ‘posh’ shoes! Never realised boys could be so bitchy. Perhaps is the
oestrogen in the water? Shoe shopping rapidly turns into nightmare. How could I
have forgotten this? In Russell and Bromley Tom chooses what can only be
described as ‘winkle pickers’. Conversation takes place as follows;
Me; ‘No way’
Tom; ‘Why not?’
Me; (In quiet voice so shop assistant won’t hear) ‘Because
they are poofy and your father would have a fit’
Amy; (helpfully) ‘All the boys are wearing them’
Request Amy keeps out of things and remain firm. Three shops
and 45 minutes later we finally order Tom shoes in M and S and Amy chooses
first pair she tries on, also in M and S. Thank you M and S! I vow always to
buy your knickers. Actually, not that grateful as am £80 poorer. Feel small
pang that this is last school shoes we will have to buy Amy as no uniform in
sixth form. Feel LARGE pang of relief.
On way home in car (finally) Amy tells me that Mr Lawrence her
Physics teacher thinks she is weird and has split personality because Izzy has
revealed to him what she (Amy)had told the German exchange students on the
guided tour of the school
‘This is the cupboard where the teachers store the dead
bodies’ and ‘When we misbehave the teachers stick our heads to the radiator
with Selotape’
Amy breaks off mid way through telling us this and says ‘Yuk,
horse sex’ as we pass field outside Bishopstone. Journey taking on surreal
quality. Am glad on arriving home to see K-J who invites me round for a glass
of wine later. Mr Lawrence has taught Amy for years. Can’t believe it has taken
him so long to form this opinion.
Thursday 29th September 11
Find cat paw prints on washbasin and window sill of en-suite.
Lack of ‘tracker skills’ means am unsure whether cat was exiting or entering
window. Wonder whether cat is now living on roof? While pondering cat
movements, worry that may have tied her bandage too tight thereby cutting off
circulation and causing tail eventually to drop off like sheeps. Do farmers
still do this to sheep, to avoid them getting daggy bums? Must ask Emily who is
experienced shepherd.
Have noticed children becoming increasingly competitive about
school. Listen to following conversation at dinner;
Tom; ‘I know much more about maths than you.’
Amy; No you don’t. I know about Quasimodequilibrium.’
Tom; ‘There’s no such thing. Anyway, Quasimodo was a Yeti.’
Think to self that;
- Amy
very poor at bullshit
- Tom knows nothing about Victor Hugo.
During same meal Tom thoughtfully warns Amy to watch out for
the ‘Cardinal capsules’ in the curry. Think he means Cardamoms.
Friday 30th September 11
Cat confined to house. Have removed dressing from tail and
forced cat to wear ‘daffodil’ bought from vets to stop her chewing tail. Cat
not happy.
Discover on tidying children’s rooms after departure for
school ( yes, I know I should delegate more) that Tom has filled his sock
drawer with a huge number of marbles. Why?
Angus has taken up gardening. In course of day I am presented
with gifts;
- Long
stem of sweet peas
- Carrot.
In evening Amy runs through her repertoire of sheep
impressions from
- New
born lamb to
- Elderly ewe.
Actually very realistic. Tom says she should be on ‘Britain’s
got talent’. Get telephone call from Rob on the Prairie. First for a week.
Hoorah!
Saturday 1st October
Wake up tired having been disturbed in night by cat crashing
around in her daffodil, banging into things, noisily using litter tray on
landing and then crunching way through what sounds like whole bowl of food.
Thoughtless creature. Give up on sleep at 7am and wash up from last night when
Dominique and Sassy came for dinner.
Take Tom to school for first rugby fixture. Amy comes with us
as is meeting friends. Somehow get onto subject of bra size. Tom tells me what
the various sizes stand for;
A = Almost boobs
B = Barely there
C = Can’t complain
D = Dang
DD = Double Dang
E = Enormous
F = Fake
G = Get a reduction
H = Help I’ve fallen over.
So not great for Amy and me then.
Amy says she has committed Facebook faux pas which makes me
want to ban Facebook for ever. She mistakenly clicked on a ‘like page’ so that
on her wall it said ‘ Amy Howieson likes starting a conga line and leading
everyone to her sex dungeon.’ Fortunately she immediately received a message
from Alex (Aunt) alerting her to the mistake,
saying ‘That’s it, you’re coming to live with me until you’re 35.’ Am worried that the Howieson household is
becoming too liberal. Am I a bad parent?
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