Friday 5th August 11
My birthday! Happy 45th birthday to me. Day starts well with dog walk on moors followed by trip to Barnard Castle where Amy and I cruise antique shops and go to coffee shop where Amy has toffee pecan flapjack plus chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream floater. Return to Catterick and in early afternoon get ready to go and play tennis. Notice that cat nowhere in sight. Search house three times and feeling panic stricken conclude that cat must have escaped when I signed for Interflora birthday flowers on doorstep. Day goes rapidly downhill as follows;
1. While hunting for cat in wood behind garden I crouch down to look under bush and am stung through my jeans on the bum, having literally disturbed a hornets’ nest. Feels as though have been stabbed by giant needle.
2. Phone Rob but get Hamish the Adjutant and explain that there is family crisis and I need to talk to Rob quite urgently. Rob not there and am forced to explain nature of crisis (escapee cat) and am aware Hamish thinks I am completely unhinged. He nevertheless promises to send driver to find Rob. Phone Mum and Dad slightly hysterically and ask them if they will come and help search for cat. They arrive 30 minutes later just as terrified cat is caught by Amy in chest high nettle patch. Amy badly stung and scratched by ungrateful creature.
3. All go back to house and I inspect bum. Swelling resembles third buttock. Apply ice and everyone has a good look. Dad says ‘I haven’t seen your bum for 45 years’. Clearly wasn’t big on nappy changing.
4. As Mum and Dad leave I notice water pouring down rear outside wall of house. Make phone call but maintenance people say they can’t send plumber until next Tuesday despite fact that leak looks and sounds like Niagara Falls.
5. Call Hamish and explain that crisis has passed and please can he pass on the message to Rob.
6. Get call from garage to say repairs to car we have only had for 4 weeks are not covered by warranty and will cost us £1800 to fix.
7. Tom calls from Worcester (where he is on Young Malvern course with cousins) and forgets to wish me Happy Birthday.
8. Mum and Dad arrive again for birthday evening of drink in Richmond followed by takeaway curry. As Dad tries helpfully to turn off stop cock in larder, Pepper gets in and eats my birthday cake.
At this point have sense of humour failure and start to feel sad and sorry for self and then at 11pm after we have all had a few glasses of wine we have to call ambulance as reaction to sting gets worse including awful pain in left arm. Dad collects me and Rob from A and E and we get home at 3.30am. Not exactly the best birthday ever but certainly memorable.
Saturday 6th August 11
Decide to cancel yesterday’s birthday and re-start celebrations on Sunday when Julia, Charlie, Toby, Heloise and Tom arrive from Worcester.
Sunday 7th August 11
Go to car boot sale in Aldbrough which is part of ‘Aldbrough Feast’ which lasts a week and which has been going on for about 700 years. Look for items for the rather bare quarter. Many enquiries about my bum. Think Mum and Dad must have told whole village.
Family arrive from Worcester and we all have lunch at Mum and Dad’s. Tom has acquired girlfriend and is lovesick and moping but also quietly pleased with himself I think.
Friend of Dad’s comes round for coffee. Used to be boss of the boss of the man being unhelpful about our Brera. He promises to have a little chat with all concerned.
Monday 8th August 11
As Amy, Tom and I walk to the Barracks to play tennis Amy tells us that she had a dream the previous night that featured an angel telling her to wear mascara. The angel then turned into Beyonce who sang a song called ‘You were raised by monsters’. Amy points out that dreams reflect ones thoughts. Really charming and thank her for sharing this with me.
Get call in afternoon from manager of garage which on Friday proposed charging us £1800 for repair to car we have driven 4 times. Man sounds less sure of himself than sales manager I spoke to on Friday. He asks me if I want to make any contribution to the repair bill and I say ‘No’. He agrees garage will foot whole bill. Yes!!
See Dads friend in evening and Rob and I thank him for helping out. He says he has done nothing but I don’t believe him. Think there must be some kind of car dealership mafia and he is the Godfather. Hope there were no horses heads involved.
Tuesday 9th August 11
In morning Julia and I take children and (my heart sinks slightly) crazy dogs Zulu and George for a walk in Dales to make the most of sunny weather. Sheep everywhere and I am forced to drive carefully. Nevertheless, Amy keeps making ‘Baaaa BANG!’ sound effects. Walk from Langthwaite in Arkengathdale down to Reeth. Amy somehow gets splattered with cow pat and starts being a bit ‘princessy’ like she’s never seen a bit of cow poo before. Point out that last time we did this walk she stepped in a cow pat so things are improving. Scary George kept on lead for duration of walk but Zulu runs around having a lovely time and swimming in Arkle beck. No small children for him to scare although we do attract the attention of a mad eyed sheep dog which follows us half the way. Slightly unnerving. Think lots of sheep dogs are a bit mad. If they don’t have sheep to round up they improvise with whatever is available- people or even cars. After about 90 minutes walking we seem to get a bit lost and I think of Rob and his insistence on Ordnance Survey maps and thorough planning. We have no map and no mobile signal. Thankfully we find our way back to the footpath and then Zulu has to go on the lead as we walk through a field of sheep. Extraordinary how Zulu pulls like train when on lead, even after prolonged exercise. I offer to hold him to give Julia’s arm a break. We head along track between two high walls which is ankle deep in gloopy cow poo and puddles. Zulu gives a sharp pull on the lead and I let go rather than being pulled into the quagmire. Then have to retrieve brown and sludgy lead and hold it until end of walk. Hand covered in cowpat but can’t make a fuss on account of mini lecture to Amy the princess only a few minutes earlier. Yuk.
Back in Aldbrough in the afternoon Rob and I make a last minute decision to enter Pepper in the Dogs Race which always takes place at the end of the children’s sports. Most years things degenerate into chaos as fights break out and dogs run in the wrong direction or refuse to run at all. Very funny. Have misgivings that Pepper will be like Forrest Gump and just keep running. Tom and I take her to the start line and Rob and Toby go to the finish. The dogs are released across the green and Pepper sets off like rocket and is in the lead until half way when she suddenly takes a sharp right turn and races back to Julia, Mum, Amy and Heloise who are sitting on the grass bank, spectating. She stands there quivering. Strong homing instinct. Obviously thinks she is a pigeon.
Wednesday 10th August 11
Rush, rush rush. Take children swimming in morning to Richmond. The M-W’s come back for coffee and we sit chatting in the sitting room. Amy cuddling the cat when suddenly a worm drops out of her bottom (the cats) onto the arm of the sofa. It is still alive and there is much screaming. The M-W’s depart ( hastily?) We all wash our hands and have lunch. Tom changes his mind about having noodles. After lunch we go to Richmond to buy dog food ( Pepper keeps raiding the sack) and treatment for the wormy bummed cat. Yuk. None available so we head to Tesco and are arriving at 2pm when we get a call from Toby saying that the film all the children want to see is on in Darlington at 2.45. I say we won’t make it in time but the children make puppy dog eyes at me. We rush round Tesco, return home, worm the cat, round up Pepper and lure her into the car boot with a biscuit and head off to Aldbrough, arriving at 2.30. Mum and Julia take the children off and Dad and I get Pepper out of the car to take her for a walk to discover she has done a big poo in the boot. Wonder if my driving scared her? Have to remove rubber boot liner ( thank goodness we have one) and hose it down. Leave Pepper in back garden and drive to Stockton to get Brera. Staff at garage are all crawly bum lick nicey nice. Ha!
Howiesons 1
Dodgy car dealerships 0.
Get home to find dog has escaped from back garden but has been returned by kindly neighbour. I am a bit sick of both animals and poo which seem to be taking over my life. Return to Catterick and am forced to have calming glass of wine again.
Thursday 11th August 11
Take Amy and Tom to preview of auction at Tennants of Leyburn to be held tomorrow. Greeted by friendly auctioneer who I have seen on TV on ‘Bargain Hunt’. Tom pronounces all boring except framed poster of Ferrari. Amy likes vintage clothing and Mulberry handbag but both are truly happy when they discover large box of assorted wigs which they precede to try on. We leave before we are thrown out.
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