WEEK 22 - 12th-19th August 2011

Friday 12^th August 11

Drive over the moors again to the auction at Leyburn with all four children. Toby spots two flocks of sheep on hills facing each other. Speculates that they are rival gangs and that we are about to witness  sheep gang warfare as the two flocks close in on each other. Have never seen a fighting sheep but don’t have time to stay and watch as are late for auction. Amy’s Mulberry handbag goes under the hammer in first five minutes for huge sum and then everyone loses interest. Toby, Tom and Heloise head for the café. Am horrified moments later to see Toby through window at front of auction room to right of auctioneer. He is moonwalking backwards across window. He then ducks back under window and repeats moonwalk. Amy also sees him and stifles laughter. A couple of minutes later we decide to  abandon auction and find the others in the café, each drinking coffee with at least 4 sugars. As sugar rush kicks in they seek out the box of wigs and become quite lairy. Spot member of staff heading our way so  I quickly march children to the car and we head over to Aldbrough.  Amy always telling me indignantly that ‘teenagers are not children’ but I don’t think she is right. 

In afternoon go to Barracks to find Robert and thank Hamish the Adjutant for his support last week during cat incident. Ask him if he knows whet happened afterwards ( planning only to disclose that I was stung by hornet. Not planning to reveal where) Hamish says ‘Oh yes everyone knows, it’s gone round like wildfire’. On way home interrogate Rob about what everyone knows. Apparently everything including bum and hospital. Great. Have forgotten since going native in South Wilts what it is like to live on an Army patch.

Saturday 13^th August 11

Barbeque at friends’ house. Dismayed at evident plan to eat in garden as temperature clearly well below zero. Eventually go inside just before hypothermia takes hold. Relief. Reminisce about Newcastle and dreadful nightclub in ship which used to be moored on river called ‘Tuxedo Princess’. I observe that it was full of wide boys. Clearly not a term Amy has heard before who fires off a volley of questions; ‘What’s a wide boy, how wide were they and did they need special doors?’

Sunday 14^th August 11

We leave Catterick early and drive to Scotland to visit St Andrews and Edinburgh for Tattoo and Fringe. Arrive St Andrews where we have picnic on sea wall, walk about, eat ice cream, take photos of children next to sign for ‘Butts Wynd’ which they inexplicably find hilarious. Realise after about 2 hours that there is not that much to do in St Andrews and decide to head back to Edinburgh. Staying in Redfern Barracks in large family room with beds all in row like dormitory. Take taxi to city centre and meet Rob’s sister Emma and her boyfriend Charlie for a drink in a swanky hotel (children not allowed in pubs) where a glass of wine is £8!! Comment afterwards that Charlie was looking tired and the children say they just think he looks old(I should point out here that in the childrens eyes 'old' equals anyone over 25.) Perhaps aging process is just a case of people looking more and more tired and that if I slept for a week I would look 21 again. Think am unlikely to have chance to test this theory for some years. After dinner in American diner we watch street performers and Amy falls in love with topless Spanish fire juggler called Jose. 

Monday 15^th August 11

Am awoken in dorm by very loud seagull and by sound of baby crying. Think latter may have been bad dream. Catch bus into city, all sitting in front row of top deck. Go first to H and M to buy Tom boxer shorts as he has forgotten to bring any and is wearing a pair of Robs which come down to his knees and bunch up when he pulls his jeans up. Amy desperate to shop, shop, shop but the rest of us can’t work up much enthusiasm. Many shops are frankly weird. Tom comments that he thinks Joules is like Jack Wills but for people with a horse. Think he is right. We haven’t got a horse so we exit quickly. In evening all get dressed up in finery and catch taxi to tattoo where we have seats in the VIP box. Very exciting if slightly disconcerting when spot Japanese tourists taking our photo. Tattoo is AMAZING! Gets extremely cold though and I watch most of it from under 3 tartan blankets thoughtfully supplied. Rest of family clearly hard as nails. At after show drinks party we all quaff champagne and Tom eats own body weight of canapés. Mostly mini beef wellingtons and haggis balls.

Friday 19^th August 11

Drive home to Broad Chalke in convoy. After 150 miles, Turbo on Alfa Romeo fails AGAIN causing Rob to lose concentration and miss turning off M1 onto M69. Finally arrive home to find grass almost knee high and that neighbour has cut our hedge again despite being asked not to. Is wanting a bit of privacy a bad thing? Why does he want to look into our garden? Am already cross when I speak to garage in North East where we bought the Alfa and crossness grows when they suggest WE look up the local Alfa garage and WE arrange to have car looked at. Give annoying man benefit of years of ‘Customer Service’ wisdom accrued as;

1. Customer Service Manager for Sainsbury’s

2. Management trainer specialising in, among other things ‘Customer Service’

3. Customer

Man is clearly an idiot who has never heard of customer service and deserves to be liquidated.

WEEK 21 - 5th-11th August 2011

Friday 5^th August 11

My birthday! Happy 45^th birthday to me. Day starts well with dog walk on moors followed by trip to Barnard Castle where Amy and I cruise antique shops and go to coffee shop where Amy has toffee pecan flapjack plus chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream floater. Return to Catterick and in early afternoon get ready to go and play tennis. Notice that cat nowhere in sight. Search house three times and feeling panic stricken conclude that cat must have escaped when I signed for Interflora birthday flowers on doorstep. Day goes rapidly downhill as follows;

1. While hunting for cat in wood behind garden I crouch down to look under bush and am stung through my jeans on the bum, having literally disturbed a hornets’ nest. Feels as though have been stabbed by giant needle.

2. Phone Rob but get Hamish the Adjutant and explain that there is family crisis and I need to talk to Rob quite urgently. Rob not there and am forced to explain nature of crisis (escapee cat) and am aware Hamish thinks I am completely unhinged. He nevertheless promises to send driver to find Rob. Phone Mum and Dad slightly hysterically and ask them if they will come and help search for cat. They arrive 30 minutes later just as terrified cat is caught by Amy in chest high nettle patch. Amy badly stung and scratched by ungrateful creature.

3. All go back to house and I inspect bum. Swelling resembles third buttock. Apply ice and everyone has a good look. Dad says ‘I haven’t seen your bum for 45 years’. Clearly wasn’t big on nappy changing.

4. As Mum and Dad leave I notice water pouring down rear outside wall of house. Make phone call but maintenance people say they can’t send plumber until next Tuesday despite fact that leak looks and sounds like Niagara Falls.

5. Call Hamish and explain that crisis has passed and please can he pass on the message to Rob.

6. Get call from garage to say repairs to car we have only had for 4 weeks are not covered by warranty and will cost us £1800 to fix.

7. Tom calls from Worcester (where he is on Young Malvern course with cousins) and forgets to wish me Happy Birthday.

8. Mum and Dad arrive again for birthday evening of drink in Richmond followed by takeaway curry. As Dad tries helpfully to turn off stop cock in larder, Pepper gets in and eats my birthday cake.

At this point have sense of humour failure and start to feel sad and sorry for self and then at 11pm after we have all had a few glasses of wine we have to call ambulance as reaction to sting gets worse including awful pain in left arm. Dad collects me and Rob from A and E and we get home at 3.30am. Not exactly the best birthday ever but certainly memorable.

Saturday 6^th August 11

Decide to cancel yesterday’s birthday and re-start celebrations on Sunday when Julia, Charlie, Toby, Heloise and Tom arrive from Worcester.  

Sunday 7^th August 11

Go to car boot sale in Aldbrough which is part of ‘Aldbrough Feast’ which lasts a week and which has been going on for about 700 years. Look for items for the rather bare quarter. Many enquiries about my bum. Think Mum and Dad must have told whole village.

Family arrive from Worcester and we all have lunch at Mum and Dad’s. Tom has acquired girlfriend and is lovesick and moping but also quietly pleased with himself I think.

Friend of Dad’s comes round for coffee. Used to be boss of the boss of the man being unhelpful about our Brera. He promises to have a little chat with all concerned.

Monday 8^th August 11

As Amy, Tom and I walk to the Barracks to play tennis Amy tells us that she had a dream the previous night that featured an angel telling her to wear mascara. The angel then turned into Beyonce who sang a song called ‘You were raised by monsters’. Amy points out that dreams reflect ones thoughts. Really charming and thank her for sharing this with me.

Get call in afternoon from manager of garage which on Friday proposed charging us £1800 for repair to car we have driven 4 times. Man sounds less sure of himself than sales manager I spoke to on Friday. He asks me if I want to make any contribution to the repair bill and I say ‘No’. He agrees garage will foot whole bill. Yes!!

See Dads friend in evening and Rob and I thank him for helping out. He says he has done nothing but I don’t believe him. Think there must be some kind of car dealership mafia and he is the Godfather. Hope there were no horses heads involved.

Tuesday 9^th August 11

In morning Julia and I take children and (my heart sinks slightly) crazy dogs Zulu and George for a walk in Dales to make the most of sunny weather. Sheep everywhere and I am forced to drive carefully. Nevertheless, Amy keeps making ‘Baaaa BANG!’ sound effects. Walk from Langthwaite in Arkengathdale down to Reeth. Amy somehow gets splattered with cow pat and starts being a bit ‘princessy’ like she’s never seen a bit of cow poo before. Point out that last time we did this walk she stepped in a cow pat so things are improving. Scary George kept on lead for duration of walk but Zulu runs around having a lovely time and swimming in Arkle beck. No small children for him to scare although we do attract the attention of a mad eyed sheep dog which follows us half the way. Slightly unnerving. Think lots of sheep dogs are a bit mad. If they don’t have sheep to round up they improvise with whatever is available- people or even cars. After about 90 minutes walking we seem to get a bit lost and I think of Rob and his insistence on Ordnance Survey maps and thorough planning. We have no map and no mobile signal. Thankfully we find our way back to the footpath and then Zulu has to go on the lead as we walk through a field of sheep. Extraordinary how Zulu pulls like train when on lead, even after prolonged exercise. I offer to hold him to give Julia’s arm a break. We head along track between two high walls which is ankle deep in gloopy cow poo and puddles. Zulu gives a sharp pull on the lead and I let go rather than being pulled into the quagmire. Then have to retrieve brown and sludgy lead and hold it until end of walk. Hand covered in cowpat but can’t make a fuss on account of mini lecture to Amy the princess only a few minutes earlier. Yuk.

Back in Aldbrough in the afternoon Rob and I make a last minute decision to enter Pepper in the Dogs Race which always takes place at the end of the children’s sports. Most years things degenerate into chaos as fights break out and dogs run in the wrong direction or refuse to run at all. Very funny. Have misgivings that Pepper will be like Forrest Gump and just keep running. Tom and I take her to the start line and Rob and Toby go to the finish. The dogs are released across the green and Pepper sets off like rocket and is in the lead until half way when she suddenly takes a sharp right turn and races back to Julia, Mum, Amy and Heloise who are sitting on the grass bank, spectating. She stands there quivering. Strong homing instinct. Obviously thinks she is a pigeon. 

Wednesday 10^th August 11

Rush, rush rush. Take children swimming in morning to Richmond. The M-W’s come back for coffee and  we sit chatting in the sitting room. Amy cuddling the cat when suddenly a worm drops out of her bottom (the cats) onto the arm of the sofa. It is still alive and there is much screaming. The M-W’s depart ( hastily?) We all wash our hands and have lunch. Tom changes his mind about having noodles.  After lunch we go to Richmond to buy dog food ( Pepper keeps raiding the sack) and treatment for the wormy bummed cat. Yuk. None available so we head to Tesco and are arriving at 2pm when we get a call from Toby saying that the film all the children want to see is on in Darlington at 2.45. I say we won’t make it in time but the children make puppy dog eyes at me. We rush round Tesco, return home, worm the cat, round up Pepper and lure her into the car boot with a biscuit and head off to Aldbrough, arriving at 2.30. Mum and Julia take the children off and Dad and I get Pepper out of the car to take her for a walk to discover she has done a big poo in the boot. Wonder if my driving scared her? Have to remove rubber boot liner ( thank goodness we have one) and hose it down. Leave Pepper in back garden and drive to Stockton to get Brera. Staff at garage are all crawly bum lick nicey nice. Ha!

Howiesons 1

Dodgy car dealerships 0.

Get home to find dog has escaped from back garden but has been returned by kindly neighbour. I am a bit sick of both animals and poo which seem to be taking over my life. Return to Catterick and am forced to have calming glass of wine again.

Thursday 11^th August 11

Take Amy and Tom to preview of auction at Tennants of Leyburn to be held tomorrow. Greeted by friendly auctioneer who I have seen on TV on ‘Bargain Hunt’. Tom pronounces all boring except framed poster of Ferrari. Amy likes vintage clothing and Mulberry handbag but both are truly happy when they discover large box of assorted wigs which they precede to try on. We leave before we are thrown out.

WEEK 20 - 29th July-4th August 2011

Saturday 30^th July 11

Rob and I drive to Surrey for wedding of Army friend in new Brera. Journey not an unqualified success. Engine light comes on after 100 miles and then Turbo cuts out. Have only done 160 miles in car since purchase 4 weeks previously. Limp along with no acceleration. Journey takes 6 hours partly due to slow car but mainly due to gridlock on all roads including M1 and M25. Feel totally enraged and am glad don’t live in South East as believe blood pressure would go through roof. Rob in contrast very calm like Jedi.

Sunday 31^st July 11

Return to Yorkshire. Better journey but car still slow. Check on ‘home alone’ cat in Catterick and then to Aldbrough to have lunch and collect Amy and Tom. Ask mother if dogs have behaved. She says yes, apart from Pepper digging hole in back lawn. Inspect hole which is absolutely enormous like shell crater or meteor strike. Feel very bad about this.

While there Pepper races round garden at top speed, biting Hector’s ears as she flies past. Reflect that Pepper supposed to be keeping Hector young but that in fact he has aged visibly in last 3 weeks.

Monday 1^st August 11

Get call from Rob at work at 10am to say that when he changed into PT kit prior to addressing several hundred soldiers, he discovered he had Amy’s shorts ( put away in wardrobe by me) and asking if I could take in slightly bigger pair. Oops.

Tuesday 2^nd August 11

Amy and I go to York for the day. Aim to use Park and Ride. Follow signs carefully which abruptly end, but no car park. Find selves in city centre. Go straight to Betty’s and buy a fat rascal which we share as we walk along Stonegate. Amy buys gorgeous trousers in Whistles ( in sale) and is impressed when I tell her Kate Middleton shops there. After spending all money and eating M and S picnic next to the Minster we drive home. Pass beauty parlour in outskirts of city. Amy bemused to see sign which reads ‘Brazilian and blow dry’ 

Wednesday 3rd August 11

Take sick car to garage in Stockton followed by Dad who gives me a lift back to Aldbrough. On return I go for coffee with friend Kate while Dad gives Amy driving lesson around field. Slightly worried that Amy and Dad’s short fuses could prove explosive but conclude best policy is to stay out of the way. Return to find Amy calmly drawing in dining room and Dad looking damp. Apparently driving lesson went extremely well. Amy a natural. She reveals Dad told her she was much better than me, Julia or Mum when we were learning to drive! Everything going well until Dad got behind wheel to drive out of field and got stuck in the mud. Had to walk home in rain and get neighbour to pull car out. Amy keen to have another lesson soon.

In evening we notice cat looking wistfully out of window. Rob suggests taking her for walk round garden. Cat tries to bite Amy as she is strapped into harness and when carried outside and put on lawn, crouches low and refuses to move. Amy pulls gently on lead and cat rolls onto side and plays dead. Think dragging cat round garden would be missing point of exercise so we give up and carry cat back inside. Hope neighbours weren’t watching.

WEEK 19 - 22nd-28th July 2011

Friday 22^nd July 11

Leave Broad Chalke at 7am and drive to Yorkshire via Salisbury to collect Amy from sleepover at Punky haired Emily’s house. Rather amazingly Amy is up and ready to leave as we draw up outside.

Journey uneventful and fears of cat mania/ dog flatulence unfounded. Arrive Catterick at lunchtime. Point out row of buildings to children on way in and say ‘Those used to be called White Shops’. Amy asks why and I say ‘Because they are shops and are painted white’ and ask what other reason there could be. She says ‘I thought perhaps they used to only serve white people’. I say that we are in Catterick and not Alabama. Think studying Black Civil Rights movement in History lessons has taken over her brain.

Meet Rob at the HUGE quarter and promptly go out to get chips for lunch as only supplies available in house appear to be cereal, ready meals and beer. 

Sunday 24^th July 11

Nephew Toby staying with us. Eats constantly. Think perhaps we are not feeding him enough. After large lunch at Mum and Dad’s we return to Catterick. Are sitting in garden when Tom appears to ask on Toby’s behalf if we can get a takeaway. Answer is ‘No, go and make yourself beans on toast’

Monday 25^th July 11

Go to Ikea in Gateshead to buy things for house. Amy says she would like to move into Ikea permanently and live on meatballs and Daime bars. I purchase large quantities of scented candles to mask dog smelliness.

Tuesday 26^th July 11

Toby asks ‘Can we have a pudding tonight?’ I say ‘No’. Poor Toby. He reveals that he has his recipe book which he has brought with him and that he would like to add a new pudding to it. I say ‘Still no.’ I take new dog to vet for vaccination and drop boys in Richmond.  Ask vet if there is any remedy for Pepper’s wind problem. He recommends changing her diet (we already have and she farted before ). He  also says she could be farting from nervousness and that it might stop when she settles in to her new home. I hope this happens quickly. Collect boys from market place. Tom tells me that Toby has bought 2 packets of crisps and a box of fudge brownies.

We walk Hector and Pepper along old railway line on way home. Pass Jack Russell and Pepper watches it with unmistakeable look of predator spotting prey. Keep her on the lead.

Wednesday 27^th July 11

Amy delightedly tells me that Tom has asked her which actor plays Dobby in the Harry Potter films. She clearly feels this evens things out a bit, particularly the ‘Is Gold a plant?’ comment which Tom has not forgotten.

Tom and Toby go to play tennis. I get text from Toby to say he is winning and that Tom is making his ‘I want to kill you’ face. So aggressively competitive! Not my genes.

Rob’s orderly comes round to collect various bits of uniform. I show him upstairs to Rob’s dressing room forgetting that have laundry drying on banisters comprising various items of clothing and large quantities of underwear including purple and black bra of Amy’s and Union Jack knickers. Hope he doesn’t notice.

Get call from Army friend asking if I would like to go to Wives Club coffee morning. Nooooooo! They can’t make me. 

Thursday 28^th July 11

Have small dinner party. Children go and stay with grandparents for night. Pepper starts farting routine and is ejected from sitting room. When some time later I go to kitchen, I discover she has peed on hall carpet and eaten garlic bread in kitchen. Feel at end of tether. Concerned at effect garlic will have on digestive system. Dog on probation and things not looking good.  

WEEK 18 - 15TH-21ST jULY 2011

Friday 15^th July 11

Tom finishes school early due to Founders Day at school tomorrow morning. Receive text mid morning which says ’Bus departs Salisbury 14.45 and arrives 15.18 Broadchalke. Welcoming committee would be appreciated’. Which is Tomspeak for ‘ Please meet me from the bus’

Amy’s 15^th birthday. Present opening in evening after her return from seeing final Harry Potter, slightly manic and wearing geeky 3D glasses and black zig-zag ‘scar’ on forehead. Pepper further enrages cat by sticking head through cat flap while cat on other side. Think dog is either youthfully enthusiastic or just a bit thick.

 Saturday 16^th July 11

Pepper continues to settle in well but is quite naughty;

- Seems to think it is Ok to sit on sofa. It isn’t.

- Keeps putting paws on kitchen work surface

- Did big poo on patio

- Made large puddle on spare room carpet. Have to face possibility that

1. Carpet will be stained yellow

2. Room will forever smell of dog wee.

Am trying to stay calm as more to life than nice carpets.

Kiki clearly a cat on the edge. Is tense and moody and bites me when I give her a reassuring pat. Also swipes Hector’s nose with paw when he does the same.(Reassures her that is. Hector has not learnt to pat the cat)

Monday 18^th July 11

Progressing towards animal harmony. Cat sniffs new dogs back leg when dog not looking but then retreats under footstool growling menacingly. When Rob and I walk dogs, cat follows us for 100 metres, hiding in hedge when we look round. Who says cats aren’t team players?

While walking, woman in village sees us coming and exclaims’ Another greyhound!’ Rob says rather tersely ‘She’s a lurcher’ but woman takes no notice and says Pepper has Italian greyhound ears.

After dinner children a bit testy. Conversation as follows;

Amy; ‘You act as though I’m stupid’ (Bends down to pick up cat) ‘I’m a lot more intelligent than you’

Tom; ‘Are you talking to the cat?’

Ouch.

Make shopping list for exciting trip to Ikea with Emily tomorrow which consists mainly of vanilla candles to cover smell of dog farts. Find later that Tom has added the following items;

Moose flesh for voodoo

A duck’s spleen

A Whales placenta

The…

Think he got bored at this point and went off to watch The Simpsons with his father.

Tuesday 19^th July 11

Trip to Ikea abandoned. Amy unwell and Emily arrives to tell me one of their oak trees lost a large branch in the night which has taken out electricity and phone lines. Emily furious at long conversation with BT employee who, after Emily had explained everything, offered to do a test to determine where the fault was. Emily told him she knew where the fault was as was standing in garden looking at two ends of broken telephone cable. Incroyable!

Wednesday 20^th July 11

Pepper behaviour less than exemplary;

-          Starts barking at 6am

-          In morning digs big hole in vegetable patch scattering soil over patio

-          Constant farting. Am getting through a lot of scented candles

-          In afternoon as I am mowing, digs hole in back lawn

-          Keeps biting Hector’s ears

-          At dinner, steals a potato from Tom’s plate

Feeling stressed at everything need to do before driving to Yorkshire on Friday morning and wondering whether will actually manage to get 2 teenagers, 2 dogs, a cat, ridiculous amounts of luggage and me in the BMW. Also concerned about dynamics between new dog and cat and how we will cope with all the farting in a confined space. Mother calls and asks whether I would consider stopping in Marlborough on my way North to buy her some fabric for cushions!! No! Am forced to open bottle of wine to calm jangling nerves.

Thursday 21^st July 11

Tom explains to me that if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat’s back ( butter side up) and throw cat/toast into the air a vortex will be created and the cat/toast will be unable to land because cats always land on their feet and buttered toast always lands butter side down.

Am faced with problem of how to contain cat until tomorrow morning when we depart for Yorkshire. Think will have to lock cat flap and get cat to use litter tray. Am worried about this plan for a number of reasons namely whether the cat will remember how to use a litter tray, whether new dog will try to eat contents of litter tray and that by the time we have to catch cat at 6.30am tomorrow and stuff her in her cat box for journey to Yorkshire, she will be very cross.  She will be even crosser when she realises she is under house arrest for the duration of our stay in Yorkshire.

WEEK 17 - 8 - 14th July 2011

Saturday 9^th July 11

Rob and I attend adoption talk at Dogs Trust. They are coming to do a home visit next week. Have been given a set of instructions on how to manage the relationship between Pepper and the cat, which include

1. Keeping Pepper and the cat apart for at least 5 days (easy perhaps when you live in Blenheim Palace. Less easy when you live in a Victorian cottage.)

2. Wipe each creature with a cloth and give the cloth to the other one. Yuk!

3. And most alarmingly, introduce them only when Pepper has been exercised and HAS EATEN A BIG MEAL.

Hmmm.

 Sunday 10^th July 11

Obliged to take Amy and Tom to meet Pepper. We take her and Hector for a walk. Worried will be deemed unsuitable adoptive family as we remove her muzzle once out of site of Dogs Trust building and are spotted by Dogs Trust employee. This is against the rules. Then Pepper does poo in middle of dog walking path and we have no plastic bag. Oops.

Thursday 14^th July 11

Collected Pepper today. Managed to keep her and the cat apart for a few hours by locking cat in Amy’s room but then carried Kiki into kitchen for introduction. Dog clearly frightened of cat. Cat very unpleasant. Arching back, hissing, spitting and at one point emitted terrifying high pitched growl. Poor Pepper.

WEEK 16 - 1st-7th July 2011

Friday 1^st July 11

Pick a strawberry from the garden and cut it in half for Amy and Tom to share. Strawberry tally so far this year;

Howiesons 1

Pigeons 95.

Julia calls and I remember to ask how the party in London went. Apparently Charlie’s suit made quite an impression. Julia says champagne was served all night from 7pm until 1am and nibbles mostly meat based which as vegetarian meant she got completely bat faced (seems to be family trait) and that midnight she had lost the power of speech. Charlie and Tom Leigh (host) tried to assess her level of drunkenness by asking the dates of various battles including Agincourt and Waterloo. Charlie disappointed that she got them all right and concluded she was very drunk but on automatic pilot.

Amy startled in evening to see topless man in neighbours garden and concerned that he might in fact be completely naked but bottom half obscured by fence. Take a peek at topless man who is in fact neighbour gardening on a hot day so in fact neither deranged nor pervert. I say I think naked gardening unlikely in Broad Chalke at best of times but particularly in summer when lots of nettles and brambles and stinging insects.

Rob and parents arrives from Yorkshire. Mum brings the contents of their fridge and Dad brings large rhubarb plant. Very pleased to see them and we all eat curry in kitchen. Mum tells me my hair is looking flat. Think she is turning into Nain (Welsh Grandmother sadly deceased) who routinely told me and Julia that we had put weight on / needed hair cut.

Rob has forgotten to bring home all luggage used to take his stuff up to Catterick which means that when Amy, Tom and I head up there in three weeks time we will have to pack belongings in black bin liners like family of hobos. Hope neighbours won’t see. May have to travel at night.

Saturday 2^nd July 11

Spend day gardening and packing. Rob and I supposed to be going on holiday TOMORROW and still nothing booked. Decide Morocco is too hot (96 degrees). Find good spot in garden for rhubarb. I make lemon drizzle cake which we all wolf except mother who declines a slice. Amy says ‘What, are you a freak?’ To which Mum replies that she is but doesn’t want to be a fat freak. Mum on diet. Says she has spoken to physiotherapist Anna about losing weight. I say that talking to physiotherapist unlikely to prove effective and instead recommend eating less. Feel guilty for being mean.

Make Tom packed breakfast and lunch for Rhinelend trip. Breakfast; Bottle orange juice, grapes, 4 cereal bars. Lunch; Pork pie, 2 rounds of peanut butter sandwiches, packet kettle chips, Muller light yogurt, 2 Mr Kipling cakes, 4 crunchy bars, 2 fingers of fudge, bottle of water and 6 fruit juice cartons. Hope he is planning on sharing otherwise likelihood of

1. Sugar rush
2. Vomiting.
3. Cardiac arrest

Sunday 3^rd July 11

Get up at 4.40am and Dad and I drive Tom to Salisbury to go on school trip to Rhineland. Tom very excited. Get home at 6am and go back to bed.

At 11am Rob and I leave to go on holiday! Hoorah.

Before reach Shaftesbury get call from Amy to ask what should she do if her Ipod freezes.

Stop for picnic in Somerset. Sit in sunshine and read Sunday papers. Rob’s Mother calls. Asks if we are on our way and we say yes. Asks if we are flying to Marrakesh and we say no we are driving to Torquay. She sounds very confused and then we lose signal. Rob and I laugh slightly manically.

Continue on journey and receive another call from Amy to say that her Ipod is OK now.  Tempted to turn phones off.

Arrive in Torquay. 24 degrees. Hotel FABULOUS. Enormous room and bed with balcony and stunning sea view. Go to explore town which is full of foreign tourists, genteel elderly couples and fat men with tattoos walking bull terriers. An eclectic mix.  Spend rest of day swimming in hotel pool, sunbathing, drinking wine and eating fish and chips. Enormous seagulls.

Monday 4^th July 11

Go to dining room for breakfast and feel as though have woken up in nursing home for the elderly. Eat three course breakfast and then play 2 sets of tennis. Rob wins 6-0, 6-1. Feel this doesn’t quite reflect performance and that I am clearly the better player. Head off to Salcombe. Get call from Amy asking where the shed key is as she has to take White Spirit to school. Why? Hopefully not as beverage. 

Salcombe full of public school children, their harassed parents and smart looking dogs. No tattoos or bull terriers. Eat large pasties and try and find somewhere to stay. End up in the Sloop Inn in nearby village. Perfect. Walk over big hill to pub in next door village and receive voice mail from Amy reminding us we have a child at home who we have abandoned to go on holiday. Eat large quantity of pub food. Think may have to return home soon while we still fit in the car.

Tuesday 5^th July 11

Weather cold and potentially wet so go to Plymouth to cinema. See Pirates of the Caribbean and eat lots of chocolate. Plymouth full of Spanish and French school children and Punks.

Thursday 7^th July 11

Back to Wiltshire. Rob and I go to Dogs Trust at Newton Tony to see William the Saluki who is lovely. We also meet 2 lurchers called Professor Winkle Bottom and Pepper. Rob initially prefers Professor but he ( Professor not Rob) keeps scanning the horizon during our walk as though looking for something to chase. We decide to adopt Pepper who seems more interested in us. She will be Tom’s dog.

In evening Tom returns from Rhineland. Spent all money and seems to have had good time. Produces gifts of Lindt chocolate for all. Has learnt one new German word; ‘Geil’ which apparently means ‘sexy’.   Tom very pleased about Pepper. Think main challenges of owning lurcher will be ;

1. To prevent her running after small furries when taken for walks

2. To stop her eating the cat