WEEK 23 - 20-26th August 2011

Monday 22^nd August 11

Rob on exercise on Salisbury Plain all week. Has important visit on Wednesday from very senior politician. Rob plans to put him in turret of Warrior. I observe that he is quite a tubby chap and I hope he doesn’t get wedged in.  Rob getting fancy new uniform or ‘costume’ as Amy says. Consists of frock coat with lots of frogging, tight black trousers and spurs. Funky!

Tuesday 23^rd August 11

News full of what is happening in Libya. Explain situation in brief to Tom as concerned children don’t take  interest in current affairs or recognise seriousness of events. Tom listens attentively but then asks Amy as she enters room ‘ Have you heard about Colonel Gaddafodil?’ and she replies ‘Do you mean Colonel Gaddaffyduck?’ . I give up. 

Wednesday 24^th August 11

Amy, Tom, Pepper and I drive to Lulworth Cove for day out. We plan to walk to Durdle Door and have a picnic.  Have panic on reaching Durdle Door that dogs will not be allowed on beach in summer months. Look over cliff at beach. Needn’t have worried as lots of families paddling and picnicking with dogs of all shapes and sizes. Think is very British thing to take dogs everywhere.  Walk down steep path to beach, eat our own picnic and then Tom goes off and finds ledge up cliff to read book. Pepper starts snuffling and digging up pebbles and finally finds Tom’s sandwich crusts which he has obviously buried to avoid being told to eat them. Reminds me of lump of cucumber secreted in end of baguette. Quite admire his inventiveness. Amy and I affronted as we are invaded by large group of German students. They practically surround us and are so close that their stuff touches my shoe. Is personal space on beaches a peculiarly British requirement? We glare at them. Momentarily wonder whether I am turning into Victor Meldrew before collecting up stuff and moving to less crowded stretch of beach.

Thursday 25^th August 11

Hector (boy) comes to stay. Don’t think he likes my cooking. Chilli mince not well received. Getting fed up of running round after children so tell Tom to find bedding to make up sofa bed where he and Hector intend to sleep (in order to be well placed to play Call of Duty on PS3 until moment they fall asleep and from moment they wake up.)

Friday 26^th August 11

Tom announces decision to cook fried egg breakfast for himself and Hector. Tetchiness with domestic servitude worsens when I enter kitchen and inhale noxious smell of burnt egg and discover eggy plates on table, eggy pan unwashed and cooker splattered with burnt egg. Seethe silently. Mood not improved when strip sofa bed in study and discover best linen table cloth has been used as bottom sheet by 2 smelly teenage boys. Bleagh. Emily collects Hector at 11am and I then drive Tom 55 miles to Swindon to meet his girlfriend. Am I mad? What on earth had I been smoking/ drinking when I agreed to it? Turn left onto road between Wilton and A303. Immediate sign for road works and traffic lights ahead. Come to stop behind lorry which I think is in queue to get through said road works. Only after about 8 minutes of not moving and queue of patient fellow motorists building up behind me do I edge round lorry and realise that it is in fact parked and that the road ahead is clear. Oops. Very embarrassing. Can feel cheeks burning. Drive off at top speed which is a bit silly as am sure other drivers do not intend to chase and berate me.  At Marlborough Tom asks not unreasonably if we can have some new conditioner as he is concerned to be meeting girlfriend smelling of white nectarine and coral flower. Have several hours to kill in Swindon while Tom spends time with girlfriend. Buy six jumpers in H and M. Eat large cake and read paper in Marks and Spencers. Have run out of things to do when see advert in Body Shop window offering free skin consultations. Woman in shop is very nice and tells me I have lovely skin and don’t look 45. I like her immediately and vow to buy all skin products in Body Shop in future. Rob already back from exercise on Salisbury Plain when Tom and I get home. Looking very manly ( if a bit grubby) in his combats. Very pleased to see him. Take him beer and crisps to have in bath.

WEEK 22 - 12th-19th August 2011

Friday 12^th August 11

Drive over the moors again to the auction at Leyburn with all four children. Toby spots two flocks of sheep on hills facing each other. Speculates that they are rival gangs and that we are about to witness  sheep gang warfare as the two flocks close in on each other. Have never seen a fighting sheep but don’t have time to stay and watch as are late for auction. Amy’s Mulberry handbag goes under the hammer in first five minutes for huge sum and then everyone loses interest. Toby, Tom and Heloise head for the café. Am horrified moments later to see Toby through window at front of auction room to right of auctioneer. He is moonwalking backwards across window. He then ducks back under window and repeats moonwalk. Amy also sees him and stifles laughter. A couple of minutes later we decide to  abandon auction and find the others in the café, each drinking coffee with at least 4 sugars. As sugar rush kicks in they seek out the box of wigs and become quite lairy. Spot member of staff heading our way so  I quickly march children to the car and we head over to Aldbrough.  Amy always telling me indignantly that ‘teenagers are not children’ but I don’t think she is right. 

In afternoon go to Barracks to find Robert and thank Hamish the Adjutant for his support last week during cat incident. Ask him if he knows whet happened afterwards ( planning only to disclose that I was stung by hornet. Not planning to reveal where) Hamish says ‘Oh yes everyone knows, it’s gone round like wildfire’. On way home interrogate Rob about what everyone knows. Apparently everything including bum and hospital. Great. Have forgotten since going native in South Wilts what it is like to live on an Army patch.

Saturday 13^th August 11

Barbeque at friends’ house. Dismayed at evident plan to eat in garden as temperature clearly well below zero. Eventually go inside just before hypothermia takes hold. Relief. Reminisce about Newcastle and dreadful nightclub in ship which used to be moored on river called ‘Tuxedo Princess’. I observe that it was full of wide boys. Clearly not a term Amy has heard before who fires off a volley of questions; ‘What’s a wide boy, how wide were they and did they need special doors?’

Sunday 14^th August 11

We leave Catterick early and drive to Scotland to visit St Andrews and Edinburgh for Tattoo and Fringe. Arrive St Andrews where we have picnic on sea wall, walk about, eat ice cream, take photos of children next to sign for ‘Butts Wynd’ which they inexplicably find hilarious. Realise after about 2 hours that there is not that much to do in St Andrews and decide to head back to Edinburgh. Staying in Redfern Barracks in large family room with beds all in row like dormitory. Take taxi to city centre and meet Rob’s sister Emma and her boyfriend Charlie for a drink in a swanky hotel (children not allowed in pubs) where a glass of wine is £8!! Comment afterwards that Charlie was looking tired and the children say they just think he looks old(I should point out here that in the childrens eyes 'old' equals anyone over 25.) Perhaps aging process is just a case of people looking more and more tired and that if I slept for a week I would look 21 again. Think am unlikely to have chance to test this theory for some years. After dinner in American diner we watch street performers and Amy falls in love with topless Spanish fire juggler called Jose. 

Monday 15^th August 11

Am awoken in dorm by very loud seagull and by sound of baby crying. Think latter may have been bad dream. Catch bus into city, all sitting in front row of top deck. Go first to H and M to buy Tom boxer shorts as he has forgotten to bring any and is wearing a pair of Robs which come down to his knees and bunch up when he pulls his jeans up. Amy desperate to shop, shop, shop but the rest of us can’t work up much enthusiasm. Many shops are frankly weird. Tom comments that he thinks Joules is like Jack Wills but for people with a horse. Think he is right. We haven’t got a horse so we exit quickly. In evening all get dressed up in finery and catch taxi to tattoo where we have seats in the VIP box. Very exciting if slightly disconcerting when spot Japanese tourists taking our photo. Tattoo is AMAZING! Gets extremely cold though and I watch most of it from under 3 tartan blankets thoughtfully supplied. Rest of family clearly hard as nails. At after show drinks party we all quaff champagne and Tom eats own body weight of canapés. Mostly mini beef wellingtons and haggis balls.

Friday 19^th August 11

Drive home to Broad Chalke in convoy. After 150 miles, Turbo on Alfa Romeo fails AGAIN causing Rob to lose concentration and miss turning off M1 onto M69. Finally arrive home to find grass almost knee high and that neighbour has cut our hedge again despite being asked not to. Is wanting a bit of privacy a bad thing? Why does he want to look into our garden? Am already cross when I speak to garage in North East where we bought the Alfa and crossness grows when they suggest WE look up the local Alfa garage and WE arrange to have car looked at. Give annoying man benefit of years of ‘Customer Service’ wisdom accrued as;

1. Customer Service Manager for Sainsbury’s

2. Management trainer specialising in, among other things ‘Customer Service’

3. Customer

Man is clearly an idiot who has never heard of customer service and deserves to be liquidated.

WEEK 21 - 5th-11th August 2011

Friday 5^th August 11

My birthday! Happy 45^th birthday to me. Day starts well with dog walk on moors followed by trip to Barnard Castle where Amy and I cruise antique shops and go to coffee shop where Amy has toffee pecan flapjack plus chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream floater. Return to Catterick and in early afternoon get ready to go and play tennis. Notice that cat nowhere in sight. Search house three times and feeling panic stricken conclude that cat must have escaped when I signed for Interflora birthday flowers on doorstep. Day goes rapidly downhill as follows;

1. While hunting for cat in wood behind garden I crouch down to look under bush and am stung through my jeans on the bum, having literally disturbed a hornets’ nest. Feels as though have been stabbed by giant needle.

2. Phone Rob but get Hamish the Adjutant and explain that there is family crisis and I need to talk to Rob quite urgently. Rob not there and am forced to explain nature of crisis (escapee cat) and am aware Hamish thinks I am completely unhinged. He nevertheless promises to send driver to find Rob. Phone Mum and Dad slightly hysterically and ask them if they will come and help search for cat. They arrive 30 minutes later just as terrified cat is caught by Amy in chest high nettle patch. Amy badly stung and scratched by ungrateful creature.

3. All go back to house and I inspect bum. Swelling resembles third buttock. Apply ice and everyone has a good look. Dad says ‘I haven’t seen your bum for 45 years’. Clearly wasn’t big on nappy changing.

4. As Mum and Dad leave I notice water pouring down rear outside wall of house. Make phone call but maintenance people say they can’t send plumber until next Tuesday despite fact that leak looks and sounds like Niagara Falls.

5. Call Hamish and explain that crisis has passed and please can he pass on the message to Rob.

6. Get call from garage to say repairs to car we have only had for 4 weeks are not covered by warranty and will cost us £1800 to fix.

7. Tom calls from Worcester (where he is on Young Malvern course with cousins) and forgets to wish me Happy Birthday.

8. Mum and Dad arrive again for birthday evening of drink in Richmond followed by takeaway curry. As Dad tries helpfully to turn off stop cock in larder, Pepper gets in and eats my birthday cake.

At this point have sense of humour failure and start to feel sad and sorry for self and then at 11pm after we have all had a few glasses of wine we have to call ambulance as reaction to sting gets worse including awful pain in left arm. Dad collects me and Rob from A and E and we get home at 3.30am. Not exactly the best birthday ever but certainly memorable.

Saturday 6^th August 11

Decide to cancel yesterday’s birthday and re-start celebrations on Sunday when Julia, Charlie, Toby, Heloise and Tom arrive from Worcester.  

Sunday 7^th August 11

Go to car boot sale in Aldbrough which is part of ‘Aldbrough Feast’ which lasts a week and which has been going on for about 700 years. Look for items for the rather bare quarter. Many enquiries about my bum. Think Mum and Dad must have told whole village.

Family arrive from Worcester and we all have lunch at Mum and Dad’s. Tom has acquired girlfriend and is lovesick and moping but also quietly pleased with himself I think.

Friend of Dad’s comes round for coffee. Used to be boss of the boss of the man being unhelpful about our Brera. He promises to have a little chat with all concerned.

Monday 8^th August 11

As Amy, Tom and I walk to the Barracks to play tennis Amy tells us that she had a dream the previous night that featured an angel telling her to wear mascara. The angel then turned into Beyonce who sang a song called ‘You were raised by monsters’. Amy points out that dreams reflect ones thoughts. Really charming and thank her for sharing this with me.

Get call in afternoon from manager of garage which on Friday proposed charging us £1800 for repair to car we have driven 4 times. Man sounds less sure of himself than sales manager I spoke to on Friday. He asks me if I want to make any contribution to the repair bill and I say ‘No’. He agrees garage will foot whole bill. Yes!!

See Dads friend in evening and Rob and I thank him for helping out. He says he has done nothing but I don’t believe him. Think there must be some kind of car dealership mafia and he is the Godfather. Hope there were no horses heads involved.

Tuesday 9^th August 11

In morning Julia and I take children and (my heart sinks slightly) crazy dogs Zulu and George for a walk in Dales to make the most of sunny weather. Sheep everywhere and I am forced to drive carefully. Nevertheless, Amy keeps making ‘Baaaa BANG!’ sound effects. Walk from Langthwaite in Arkengathdale down to Reeth. Amy somehow gets splattered with cow pat and starts being a bit ‘princessy’ like she’s never seen a bit of cow poo before. Point out that last time we did this walk she stepped in a cow pat so things are improving. Scary George kept on lead for duration of walk but Zulu runs around having a lovely time and swimming in Arkle beck. No small children for him to scare although we do attract the attention of a mad eyed sheep dog which follows us half the way. Slightly unnerving. Think lots of sheep dogs are a bit mad. If they don’t have sheep to round up they improvise with whatever is available- people or even cars. After about 90 minutes walking we seem to get a bit lost and I think of Rob and his insistence on Ordnance Survey maps and thorough planning. We have no map and no mobile signal. Thankfully we find our way back to the footpath and then Zulu has to go on the lead as we walk through a field of sheep. Extraordinary how Zulu pulls like train when on lead, even after prolonged exercise. I offer to hold him to give Julia’s arm a break. We head along track between two high walls which is ankle deep in gloopy cow poo and puddles. Zulu gives a sharp pull on the lead and I let go rather than being pulled into the quagmire. Then have to retrieve brown and sludgy lead and hold it until end of walk. Hand covered in cowpat but can’t make a fuss on account of mini lecture to Amy the princess only a few minutes earlier. Yuk.

Back in Aldbrough in the afternoon Rob and I make a last minute decision to enter Pepper in the Dogs Race which always takes place at the end of the children’s sports. Most years things degenerate into chaos as fights break out and dogs run in the wrong direction or refuse to run at all. Very funny. Have misgivings that Pepper will be like Forrest Gump and just keep running. Tom and I take her to the start line and Rob and Toby go to the finish. The dogs are released across the green and Pepper sets off like rocket and is in the lead until half way when she suddenly takes a sharp right turn and races back to Julia, Mum, Amy and Heloise who are sitting on the grass bank, spectating. She stands there quivering. Strong homing instinct. Obviously thinks she is a pigeon. 

Wednesday 10^th August 11

Rush, rush rush. Take children swimming in morning to Richmond. The M-W’s come back for coffee and  we sit chatting in the sitting room. Amy cuddling the cat when suddenly a worm drops out of her bottom (the cats) onto the arm of the sofa. It is still alive and there is much screaming. The M-W’s depart ( hastily?) We all wash our hands and have lunch. Tom changes his mind about having noodles.  After lunch we go to Richmond to buy dog food ( Pepper keeps raiding the sack) and treatment for the wormy bummed cat. Yuk. None available so we head to Tesco and are arriving at 2pm when we get a call from Toby saying that the film all the children want to see is on in Darlington at 2.45. I say we won’t make it in time but the children make puppy dog eyes at me. We rush round Tesco, return home, worm the cat, round up Pepper and lure her into the car boot with a biscuit and head off to Aldbrough, arriving at 2.30. Mum and Julia take the children off and Dad and I get Pepper out of the car to take her for a walk to discover she has done a big poo in the boot. Wonder if my driving scared her? Have to remove rubber boot liner ( thank goodness we have one) and hose it down. Leave Pepper in back garden and drive to Stockton to get Brera. Staff at garage are all crawly bum lick nicey nice. Ha!

Howiesons 1

Dodgy car dealerships 0.

Get home to find dog has escaped from back garden but has been returned by kindly neighbour. I am a bit sick of both animals and poo which seem to be taking over my life. Return to Catterick and am forced to have calming glass of wine again.

Thursday 11^th August 11

Take Amy and Tom to preview of auction at Tennants of Leyburn to be held tomorrow. Greeted by friendly auctioneer who I have seen on TV on ‘Bargain Hunt’. Tom pronounces all boring except framed poster of Ferrari. Amy likes vintage clothing and Mulberry handbag but both are truly happy when they discover large box of assorted wigs which they precede to try on. We leave before we are thrown out.

WEEK 20 - 29th July-4th August 2011

Saturday 30^th July 11

Rob and I drive to Surrey for wedding of Army friend in new Brera. Journey not an unqualified success. Engine light comes on after 100 miles and then Turbo cuts out. Have only done 160 miles in car since purchase 4 weeks previously. Limp along with no acceleration. Journey takes 6 hours partly due to slow car but mainly due to gridlock on all roads including M1 and M25. Feel totally enraged and am glad don’t live in South East as believe blood pressure would go through roof. Rob in contrast very calm like Jedi.

Sunday 31^st July 11

Return to Yorkshire. Better journey but car still slow. Check on ‘home alone’ cat in Catterick and then to Aldbrough to have lunch and collect Amy and Tom. Ask mother if dogs have behaved. She says yes, apart from Pepper digging hole in back lawn. Inspect hole which is absolutely enormous like shell crater or meteor strike. Feel very bad about this.

While there Pepper races round garden at top speed, biting Hector’s ears as she flies past. Reflect that Pepper supposed to be keeping Hector young but that in fact he has aged visibly in last 3 weeks.

Monday 1^st August 11

Get call from Rob at work at 10am to say that when he changed into PT kit prior to addressing several hundred soldiers, he discovered he had Amy’s shorts ( put away in wardrobe by me) and asking if I could take in slightly bigger pair. Oops.

Tuesday 2^nd August 11

Amy and I go to York for the day. Aim to use Park and Ride. Follow signs carefully which abruptly end, but no car park. Find selves in city centre. Go straight to Betty’s and buy a fat rascal which we share as we walk along Stonegate. Amy buys gorgeous trousers in Whistles ( in sale) and is impressed when I tell her Kate Middleton shops there. After spending all money and eating M and S picnic next to the Minster we drive home. Pass beauty parlour in outskirts of city. Amy bemused to see sign which reads ‘Brazilian and blow dry’ 

Wednesday 3rd August 11

Take sick car to garage in Stockton followed by Dad who gives me a lift back to Aldbrough. On return I go for coffee with friend Kate while Dad gives Amy driving lesson around field. Slightly worried that Amy and Dad’s short fuses could prove explosive but conclude best policy is to stay out of the way. Return to find Amy calmly drawing in dining room and Dad looking damp. Apparently driving lesson went extremely well. Amy a natural. She reveals Dad told her she was much better than me, Julia or Mum when we were learning to drive! Everything going well until Dad got behind wheel to drive out of field and got stuck in the mud. Had to walk home in rain and get neighbour to pull car out. Amy keen to have another lesson soon.

In evening we notice cat looking wistfully out of window. Rob suggests taking her for walk round garden. Cat tries to bite Amy as she is strapped into harness and when carried outside and put on lawn, crouches low and refuses to move. Amy pulls gently on lead and cat rolls onto side and plays dead. Think dragging cat round garden would be missing point of exercise so we give up and carry cat back inside. Hope neighbours weren’t watching.

WEEK 19 - 22nd-28th July 2011

Friday 22^nd July 11

Leave Broad Chalke at 7am and drive to Yorkshire via Salisbury to collect Amy from sleepover at Punky haired Emily’s house. Rather amazingly Amy is up and ready to leave as we draw up outside.

Journey uneventful and fears of cat mania/ dog flatulence unfounded. Arrive Catterick at lunchtime. Point out row of buildings to children on way in and say ‘Those used to be called White Shops’. Amy asks why and I say ‘Because they are shops and are painted white’ and ask what other reason there could be. She says ‘I thought perhaps they used to only serve white people’. I say that we are in Catterick and not Alabama. Think studying Black Civil Rights movement in History lessons has taken over her brain.

Meet Rob at the HUGE quarter and promptly go out to get chips for lunch as only supplies available in house appear to be cereal, ready meals and beer. 

Sunday 24^th July 11

Nephew Toby staying with us. Eats constantly. Think perhaps we are not feeding him enough. After large lunch at Mum and Dad’s we return to Catterick. Are sitting in garden when Tom appears to ask on Toby’s behalf if we can get a takeaway. Answer is ‘No, go and make yourself beans on toast’

Monday 25^th July 11

Go to Ikea in Gateshead to buy things for house. Amy says she would like to move into Ikea permanently and live on meatballs and Daime bars. I purchase large quantities of scented candles to mask dog smelliness.

Tuesday 26^th July 11

Toby asks ‘Can we have a pudding tonight?’ I say ‘No’. Poor Toby. He reveals that he has his recipe book which he has brought with him and that he would like to add a new pudding to it. I say ‘Still no.’ I take new dog to vet for vaccination and drop boys in Richmond.  Ask vet if there is any remedy for Pepper’s wind problem. He recommends changing her diet (we already have and she farted before ). He  also says she could be farting from nervousness and that it might stop when she settles in to her new home. I hope this happens quickly. Collect boys from market place. Tom tells me that Toby has bought 2 packets of crisps and a box of fudge brownies.

We walk Hector and Pepper along old railway line on way home. Pass Jack Russell and Pepper watches it with unmistakeable look of predator spotting prey. Keep her on the lead.

Wednesday 27^th July 11

Amy delightedly tells me that Tom has asked her which actor plays Dobby in the Harry Potter films. She clearly feels this evens things out a bit, particularly the ‘Is Gold a plant?’ comment which Tom has not forgotten.

Tom and Toby go to play tennis. I get text from Toby to say he is winning and that Tom is making his ‘I want to kill you’ face. So aggressively competitive! Not my genes.

Rob’s orderly comes round to collect various bits of uniform. I show him upstairs to Rob’s dressing room forgetting that have laundry drying on banisters comprising various items of clothing and large quantities of underwear including purple and black bra of Amy’s and Union Jack knickers. Hope he doesn’t notice.

Get call from Army friend asking if I would like to go to Wives Club coffee morning. Nooooooo! They can’t make me. 

Thursday 28^th July 11

Have small dinner party. Children go and stay with grandparents for night. Pepper starts farting routine and is ejected from sitting room. When some time later I go to kitchen, I discover she has peed on hall carpet and eaten garlic bread in kitchen. Feel at end of tether. Concerned at effect garlic will have on digestive system. Dog on probation and things not looking good.