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Sunday 29 April 2012

WEEK 4 - 8-14th April 2011

Friday 8th April
Helped Tom pack his bag and suggested to Amy we checked hers ( already packed). Idea met with frosty response but fortunate that insisted as salopettes absent and discovered still hanging in wardrobe.
Noted when watering garden later that something has eaten the new hellebore. Mentioned this to Rob on departure to France. Think we have slugs. Discussion of possible remedy. Discounted slug pellets as could prove fatal to cat. Therefore need cat friendly solution. Tom remembered shallow tray of beer placed in flower bed and said that the worst outcome would be cat getting slightly drunk and eating the odd slug. Will sort out on return home on 20th April.
Good journey to Channel Tunnel despite start of Easter holiday. Children happy and settled in back of car with Ipod and Nintendo. Amy observed that Tom was wearing carpet slippers for extra comfort.
Pleased with new sat Nav until reached Calais and drove in circles round shopping centre for 20 minutes. Resulted in us ignoring Sat Nav ( much to its consternation and endless ‘recalculating’ comments)and simply following signpost to Rheims.
On arrival Rheims appeared dark and sinister. Probably due to tiredness, although this wouldn’t account for the large number of funeral parlours we passed on the way in. Rheims clearly ‘death centre’ of France. After unloading enormous quantity of luggage into Aparthotel, ventured out to buy Domino pizzas, wine and coke, and returned to apartment after which we all felt better.
Saturday 9th April
Beauty of Rheims cathedral induced frenzy of photography in both children, like small, demented Japanese tourists.
On car journey to Alps interesting discussion of who was worse, Hitler or Stalin. Amy concluded Stalin on account of his tendency to have people he didn’t like ‘liquidised’. Rob explained this did not involve use of giant blender. Amy said ‘I knew that’. Rob said ‘Just checking’.
Stopped at town at bottom of Alps to do supermarket shop and somehow crammed overflowing bags into already full car.
Checked into apartment block. Two attractive (according to Amy) teenage boys manning reception desk and Amy mortified  that as I was filling in form there was a cucumber and box of sanitary towels sticking out of my shoulder bag.
Sunday 10th April
First day of skiing.
Noted that children have vastly different styles of preparation and ski wear. Amy took AGES to get ready and opted to ski in scoop neck t-shirt, sunglasses, Jack Wills gilet and, (grudgingly) salopettes. Tom was ready before anyone else and insisted on fastening every last popper and piece of Velcro before even leaving apartment block. Pointing out that this was not strictly necessary had no effect.
 All got quite sunburnt despite slapping on factor 30. Look like family of prawns. Tom and I quickly returned to normal colour. Rob and Amy remain bright red. My right knee very painful after a couple of hours on slopes and remember belatedly that have had knee surgery since last ski holiday. Oops.
Monday 11th April.
Amy distressed to wake up as red as yesterday like human glow worm. Visible even in darkened room. Intended to be on skis by 8.45 but instead opted for lie in. Came back to apartment for lunch. Produced salad as concerned diet becoming overly French- pate, cheese, bread etc. Discovered when clearing away that Tom had secreted lump of cucumber in hollowed out end of baguette. Why do I bother? Will insist on broccoli with enchiladas for dinner. 
Wednesday 13th April
Called father to wish him happy 74th birthday but he was at the doctors having an M.O.T.  Called back. He was having a nice birthday and had received (in addition to Sat Nav) a weather vane in the shape of a cockerel for the top of his shed. Spoke to Hector (dog) who was well (according to Mother. )Hector is a dog of a few words.
Thursday 14th April
Snowing as headed out to slopes past the crèche which Rob calls the baby prison. Lots of very small children in ski wear all fenced in. Doesn’t look much fun. Sounds of children crying and some singing. The prison song perhaps? Am sure they would all rather be at home watching Pingu on TV. Last day of skiing for me as will have to spend tomorrow morning packing and cleaning apartment before departure for Paris. Huge feeling of relief as reached bottom of slopes for last time. Told Rob how glad I was. He thought I was joking!
Spent afternoon in apartment with Amy who alternately worked on Art GCSE coursework and stood in front of mirror removing peeling skin from face with tweezers. Her appearance gradually returning to normal after several days.
Took break to return skis and find anniversary card for Rob. (17 years tomorrow). In one shop, owner called me over to counter and pointed at security cameras. Momentarily worried Amy had been caught shoplifting but noted shop owner was laughing. Finally worked out she was watching Amy on camera, dancing behind one of the displays. Amy very embarrassed and asked if we could please leave shop immediately and never return.
Bumped into Tom and Rob sitting outside Carrefour drinking coca lite. Amy blurted that we were looking for anniversary card but all had so far been rejected by me as too expensive. OMG. 'Gob like the Tyne Tunnel' as we used up North!   

Thursday 26 April 2012

WEEK 3 - 1st - 7th April 2011

Friday 1st April
Kicked headless bird with bare foot when opening kitchen blinds at 6.30am. Must put lights on next time. Horrible and on Persian rug AGAIN. Is it possible to re-educate cat to become peace loving vegetarian instead of psychotic, flesh eating mass murderer?
Plumber called at 7.20am. Hoorah! Is coming to house today. Hope loo is good and smelly to illustrate problem.
Amy came to my desk at lunchtime to show me the prawn sandwich she had bought for lunch. Nice to see her as always but does make me wonder which planet she hails from.
Rob emailed to say that one of Sunday lunch guests is a vegetarian but eats quorn. Makes plan of Sunday roast a bit tricky. Can I present her with slab of quorn and gravy? Does quorn come in slabs? Will consult vegetarian but fish eating sister.
Have just received second email from Rob saying that a lump of quorn plus vegetables will keep guest very happy. She is obviously easily pleased is all I can say as sounds revolting.
Rob , Hector and I decamped to village pub for nice quiet Friday evening pint. Returned home and phoned parents to check on status of horse fly bite. Mother much recovered and in fact painting kitchen.  Father in wild gesticulation mode over supper one night had knocked glass of red wine down wall and repainting only option to remove stain.
The plumber has been. Has done various jobs but has not found cause of smelly loo. Aaaggghhhh!  Says will investigate further next week.
Saturday 2nd April
Got up early to make cup of tea and to keep Amy company before she set off for work at village shop. Startled when filling kettle by deafening clap of thunder. Amy appeared in kitchen . Asked conversationally if she had heard thunder and she said ‘No when was it?’ I said ‘about 5 minutes ago’ to which she replied rather testily ‘How could it be 5 minutes ago, it was already light’. Rather lost for words at this point. Explain patiently that storms CAN take place during the day. Glad Tom still asleep so no use of the ‘R’ word. Took Rob up cup of tea. He was lying in bed with cat on his chest. Something of a turnaround as he professes to hate cat who he has christened ‘ Pussferatu’  and makes big fuss if she ever sneaks onto our bed for a snooze. Think Rob actually loves cat but doesn’t want to admit it.
Spend morning catching up on domestic chores. Tom despatched to garden to help Rob move Silbury Hill. (7 tonne mound of top soil left by builders last Autumn) Tom not used to military style discipline. Appeared at French doors pushing wheelbarrow with desperate expression on face and mouthing ‘Help me!’ Decided ( meanly?) to keep out of it.
Sunday 3rd April
Mother’s day but nevertheless got up at 8. Pegged washing on line in pyjamas and then peeled vegetables for lunch and made crumble topping. Went back to bed for cup of tea and cards/pressies. Friends arrived for Sunday lunch. Managed to drop tray of roast potatoes on floor when removing from oven and then skidded on pea and fell headlong on floor of laundry room with just legs visible through kitchen door. Think guests may have wondered if I had been drinking. Hadn’t had so much as a sip of wine at this point but decided that may as well go for it so downed half a bottle of white. Sleepy but fortunately less clumsy for remainder of afternoon.
Spoke to parents in morning to wish Little Norms Happy Mother’s Day. Dad has bought himself a Sat Nav for birthday in 2 weeks time. Interesting choice for technophobe who avoids computer and DVD. Think Mother will have to learn to use it and will then get shouted at when goes wrong.
Rob observed in evening that cat appears to be getting hairier and is starting to look like Yak. Prompted furious defence of cats appearance from Amy who said that cat is smooth and silky and always smells nice ‘and not because I spray her with perfume’ Hmmm. Had noticed bottle of Marc Jacobs Daisy was going down quickly.
Monday 4th April
Having to change ski resorts on account of there being no snow left at Morzine/ Avoriaz! Having secret misgivings about holiday which when analysed boil down to
1. Going to new and alien ski resort
2. Thought of all packing will have to do
3. Not really liking snow. Think wise to keep this to myself.

Wednesday 6th April
Frantic week. Trying to get ready to go away on holiday combined with last minute gardening. Have mowed lawn and sown grass seed but still need to dig in more plants and potatoes before departure. In trouble with Rob when he arrived home as had got carried away and sown grass over proposed potato patch. Oops. Offered him cold beer in attempt to mollify but he said ‘No’ in ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ manner so abandoned him in garden and went to make curry.
Laundry room floor now black as Hector insists on walking over areas of garden covered with top soil and failing to wipe feet on entering house.
Packing last night made stressful as discovered my ski gloves missing. Amy last user on D of E weekend in Feb. She refused to admit they were lost despite them being
  1. Impossible to find and
  2. not remembering where she had put them.
Wondered how she would therefore define lost. No apology forthcoming. Further irritated by Amy insistence that high heeled boots were appropriate footwear for ski resort and sightseeing in Paris and by asking my opinion on which bikini she should take and then deciding to take all three regardless. There is a pool in ski resort so not completely insane I suppose.
Thursday 7th April
Hector’s 12th birthday!
All got up and went out to car to wish him Happy Birthday and goodbye as Rob taking him to Shrivenham from where friend is transporting him to Yorkshire to spend Easter holiday with parents while we are away. Sad to see him go. He, on other hand was so excited and jittery at early morning excursion that he was sick on grass. 
All went inside for breakfast where Amy charmingly revealed that she had woken up with dried snot on her face. Tom eating peculiar breakfast of raw oatmeal, milk and Demerara sugar. Amy enquired whether I knew there was pile of dog sick on front lawn at which point Tom said ’Do you mind, I’m eating’ which I thought was fair point although double standards for someone with often unspeakable habits.
Had call Thursday morning while at desk to say Tom’s watch ready for collection. Saw Amy at lunchtime. Gave her £20 note and receipt and asked her to collect watch when in town with Izzy after school. At end of day Amy came to deposit bags with me and I reminded her about watch at which point she revealed she couldn’t locate money or receipt. Speechless with exasperation. She went off to look for them and called on mobile to say had found both in locker.
Tom and I got home at 5 and started packing. Got call from Amy to say that after over an hour in town she had gone to H Samuel at 5.15 and they were closed. Unbelievable! Very cross. Went outside to do  more last minute gardening to take my mind off it.
Zumba in evening. Am accompanied by Izzy and Amy. Coordination noticeably worse than last week.

Sunday 22 April 2012

WEEK 2 - 25th-31st March 2011

Friday 25th March 11
Got up early. House silent  and full of sleeping people. Cat stretched out at top of stairs. Sat down and stroked her and thought what nice peaceful moment at start of day. Then she bit me.
Amy going to London straight after school. Revealed as drove into car park at school that her phone was out of battery. Got quite angry and said if couldn’t charge phone during day, trip to London would be called off. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth from Amy who said I was being irrational. This made situation somewhat worse. Took her phone and said I would try and borrow charger from colleagues. Phoned Rob from med room and was in mid rant about Amy lack of responsibility when deputy head came in to find remote control which I hide there.
Sunday 27th March 11
Massive bonfire in garden.  Still burning with big flames when we went to bed. Concerned that spark may set fire to pregnant sheep at end of garden or at least burn down our shed or garden fence. Rob refused to take these concerns seriously. Looked out of window as soon as woke up this morning. Sheep, shed and fence all intact and fire out. Phew.
Monday 28th March
Struggled to get up at 6.30. Still dark, thanks to start of British summertime. Had to leave home early to take BMW to garage. Progress towards this objective hampered by Tom having nosebleed and getting several drops of blood on pale sandy bedroom carpet. Aaaghh. Carpets doomed! Spent precious minutes dabbing at carpet bloodstains.  Mood made worse by Amy complaining of feeling ill, Tom saying he hadn’t slept a wink and argument over who wears the watch reigniting. Left home 5 minutes earlier than necessary to escape.
Rob spent large part of evening trying to buy salopettes on internet. Children instructed to measure waist and inside leg. Amy very grumpy about being disturbed. Gave small but heated lecture on fact that children being taken on expensive ski holiday and efforts being made by parents to buy new clothing in time. Demanded apology for spoilt brat outburst which was given, albeit grudgingly. Still no salopettes. Will look in Salisbury again tomorrow.
Have decided want to be interior designer.
Still no plumber. Unbelievable.
Tuesday 29th March 11
Came into kitchen and noticed cat squatting like malevolent toad on rug next to sofa, gloating over parts of large mouse. Why always on the rug??
Met Tom in town after school and managed to find salopettes in Oswald Bailey. Hoorah! Collected Amy from self defence, which always makes me smile as she is very small like Mighty Mouse, but perhaps self defence skills all the more necessary because of this? Drove home.
Tom said there were 2 male ducks fighting at his school today. He thinks they were love rivals and speculated what a shame it would be if the victor was to discover that the object of his affections was a lesbian. I said I wasn’t sure whether there was such a thing as a gay duck. Tom announced that he had seen once seen a camp duck, to which Amy replied that no he hadn’t. Tom then said that he had seen a camp dog. We asked where and he said ‘In our house’ ie Hector. I don’t think Hector is camp, although Rob has commented in the past that he is rather ‘metro sexual’ whatever that means.
Still on the duck theme, Tom said that the site team at school had caught the fighting ducks. Day destined to continue with duck theme as message on answer phone from Katie-Jayne asking if I could put ducks and chickens away at dusk.
Ducks well behaved and orderly as usual but chickens really naughty and wouldn’t go into houses. Chased them all over the place in semi darkness, cursing. Randomly put them away in the 3 houses. Worried later while reading in bed that they might be disorientated if in wrong house. Think one chicken was only occupant of middle coop and possibly feeling the cold/ lonely without feathered companions. However, didn’t feel strongly enough at 11pm to don wellies, jumper  and head torch to go rearrange chicken sleeping arrangements.
 Thursday 31st March
Spoke to Mum and Dad in morning. Poor Mum has been bitten on head by horse fly and suffering allergic reaction. According to Dad she looks like prize fighter with big swollen face. I think unwise to tell Mum this in case of reprisals.
Went to first Zumba class in village hall! Part of one dance was to put arms out to side and shake body – presumably seductive if you have big chest and curves like belly dancer. I was more concerned that people behind me would have view of my bum wobbling uncontrollably. Clenched buttocks as I did it to reduce wobble. 
Copyright 2012 Karen Howieson. All rights reserved.

Thursday 19 April 2012

WEEK 1 -18-24TH MARCH 2011

A YEAR OF MY LIFE -THE DIARY OF KAREN HOWIESON
Friday 18th March 11
Amy announced in car on way home that a Chinese restaurant in Salisbury has been closed down by Health Inspectors as discovered selling cat meat (actual cats, not cat food). Tom and I horrified and make appropriate ‘Yuk’ noises.
Arrived home from work and was letting dog out of back door when heard ear splitting scream from Amy in kitchen. Had found back half of dead rabbit on Persian rug next to sofa. Cut off neatly at the waist. No sign of front half of rabbit so presumably in cat. Cat grumpy and bitey later when stroked. Possibly sore tummy from too much rabbit?
Saturday 19th March 11
Drove through Salisbury in morning. Notice Chinese ‘cat meat’ restaurant open for business as usual. Asked Amy where she had heard about closure. Apparently from Izzy who had heard it from another girl ‘So it must be true’. Clearly not. Talked to Amy about slander laws.
Staying with Bridget and Stu at Amersham. Lovely to see them. Huge and gorgeous house. Makes ours seem very small and scruffy, which depresses me for about 48 hours until I regain sense of perspective.
Delicious sausage and onion casserole for lunch but out of corner of my eye could see Tom picking out every onion. Hector had leftovers. Lucky dog. All went for walk in Chilterns. Got lost due to a bit of ‘creative navigating’ from Stu.
Got back to the house and Hector regurgitated huge volume of sausage and onion casserole all over oak kitchen floor.  Everyone slightly stunned. Noticed Rob disappeared very quickly ‘To give Hector some fresh air’. Fell to me to clear it up. Just glad it wasn’t on the cream carpet.
Monday 21st March 11
Rob departed for work at 6.50am. Started lengthy suggestion on door step of note I should leave plumber asking if he had found reason for smelly loo in ensuite. Felt was not best time for this conversation and wondered why hadn’t been mentioned the night before.
While preparing evening meal Tom came into kitchen and said that Amy had asked him if Gold was a plant. Sincerely hope she was joking and hadn’t asked science teacher same question. Told Tom he must not say his sister is retarded.
No sign of plumber. Loo still smelly.
Tuesday 22nd March 11
Got home and unpacked Tesco shopping. Noted black marks all the way up the (new and pale) stair carpet and across landing to Amy’s room. Shouted up to Amy that she should take her shoes off downstairs in future.  Outraged reply that she had done so and that cat was probable culprit. Marks seem to be oil / grease.   God knows where cat has been. Managed to remove marks with soap and wet cloth. Phew. Later, found more of same marks on window sill in kitchen, so definitely cat.
No sign of plumber. Rather frustratingly, loo now less smelly.

Wednesday 23rd March 11
Tom distraught in morning as watch battery has failed. Demanded  to be supplied with spare watch. Pointed out that we didn’t have one.  Shouting from Amy’s room as was trying to put in contact lenses. Tom came in and said he had decided to take Amy’s alarm clock to school as his new school trousers have big pockets. Amy not happy. Told Tom this was ridiculous idea and to give clock back. He accused me of not understanding and flounced out. Responded loudly that I understood perfectly as same had happened to me at times in past and I managed by using clocks in building and asking friends the time and that he should get a grip! Disturbing that temporary loss of watch should cause such consternation. OCD tendency?
 Met Amy in Sainsbury’s after work as had to do MORE food shopping. She asked me what I did to rebel when young and how old I was when I did it. Not keen to give too much away. Said I thought university was best time to rebel as fewer parental restrictions. Feel this may just be putting off inevitable.
H Samuel said it will take 10 days to replace Tom’s watch battery as is a G Shock and has to be sent away. Oh dear. He won’t be happy.
Tried to do washing and cleaning as guest arriving for weekend on Friday at 4 and 8 people also coming for dinner Friday night. Phone handed to me by Tom as I was inside downstairs shower cleaning. Mr Howard. Father of triplets Amy staying with in London this weekend. He asked if he was disturbing me. May have overheard my rather terse ‘Who is it?’ to Tom. Explained no, was just cleaning shower at 8.30pm on Wednesday which is normal for working mother. He laughed. Clearly thought I was barking mad.
No plumber. Have been using downstairs shower all week as requested so rather irritating.

Thursday 24th March 11
Tom appeared at breakfast wearing Amy’s watch. Said she had lent it to him so crisis averted. Punctuality clearly nor high on Amy’s list of priorities.
After work tried and failed to buy the children new salopettes as old ones tight like sausage skins. Incredibly, man in Sports Direct didn’t know what salopettes were which didn’t bode well. Eventually found 4 pairs in shop but all for large men. Went to station for Amy train ticket and then bought petrol for mower. Had to drive home with all windows open as fumes very strong.
Tried to do some cooking in advance of Friday’s dinner party while also cooking dinner for 5. Tom given task of screening calls. Bridget phoned. Tom passed phone to me and immediately  started waving to get my attention. Why do children always do this? Closed eyes so better able to concentrate. Tom still there when opened eyes so left room. Tom followed. Made ‘Talk to the hand’ gesture in attempt to give clear message. When came off phone Tom revealed that he had just cracked back tooth. Produced shards of tooth as evidence. Felt very guilty. Wonder if shard is part of root of baby tooth that has worked to surface of gum? Dental check up in month’s time. Is this soon enough?
At 8.45pm Amy still not started packing for weekend in London. At 9.30 Tom still watching Friends re-runs.

Copyright 2012. Karen Howieson. All rights reserved.